At this point, attending an office Christmas is inevitable. And look, getting to drink on the company dime is great. And watching your boss stumble through "Last Christmas" on a makeshift karaoke machine is priceless. But sometimes you have to cut your losses and just get the hell out of there.
If you see any of the below happening once office hour becomes happy hour, leave the building. Don't grab another drink. Don't finish your conversation. Just go. Your job security will thank you later. Hell, so will your job's security guard.
You've finally mustered the courage to ask for that raise
For months, you've been waiting for your chance to get a quick one-on-one with the boss so you can lay out what a valuable asset you've become. That time is not while you're standing next to the dude at a urinal after you've just finished your fifth eggnog.
Your go-to karaoke song has become "Cry Loudly for Three Minutes"
What started out as a rousing rendition of holiday classic "Dominick the Donkey" spiraled into a sobbing, emotionally raw meditation on holiday loneliness. Weirdly, you keep doing the donkey noises.
People start debating whether you can eat mistletoe
Hey, maybe you can! But once the temptation to eat potentially poisonous flora kicks in, you might want to open up Uber and think about an exit strategy. There are probably some ferns to munch on in the parking lot.
You realize somebody's gonna go down when the boss realizes the water cooler tastes like tequila
But you know who's not gonna get blamed the morning after? The guy who left first. Who is also the guy who totally did it.
Your co-worker has been whispering the lyrics of "Baby It's Cold Outside" into your ear, and you're starting to suspect he's a serial killer
Yeah, yeah. We get that it was a different time and back then it was apparently OK to drug people's drinks and hold them against their will, but whoever claims this is their favorite Christmas song might not be somebody you want to catch a ride with. Or work with.
You've ditched your wine glass in favor of the bottle
On the one hand, you're saving the company money on disposable stemware. On the other, you're, um, drinking a jug of Carlo Rossi on top of your desk.
You notice that your boss' wedding ring disappeared mid-conversation
And the conversation has suddenly shifted to a wonderful timeshare in Cabo.
Creepy Donna from accounting is starting to look like Sexy Donna from accounting
When you see her, once again, accidentally using her glue stick as Chapstick and your thoughts go from "WTF" to "DTF?!" -- actually, maybe stick around for one more round. This could get interesting.
Company tattoos have been proposed
Sure, you love your job as a junior adjustor, but are you really ready to declare "State Farm 4 Lyfe" with these guys!?
Some dickwad started a conga line
Your shirt begins to feel like something you don't really need anymore
"Eat a dick, casual Friday," you think as you pop that last button. Just remember, people are taking photos.
That dude who got fired last week just showed up, and he's lookin' a little nutty
And if he asked you to duet "Baby It's Cold Outside" with him…
Someone just suggested that spin the bottle would be a great team-building experience
Probably the same dude who refers to performance reviews as "Seven Minutes in Heaven just waiting to happen." Even worse? Everybody’s down. Except Creepy Donna… where she at?!
You suddenly have the urge to tell your HR director… anything, really
Except maybe… no. Don't do it.
Your "Dick in a Box" costume is not nearly the hit you thought it would be with your cohorts at the League of Catholic Voters
Though everybody loves JT, visually evoking "Dick in the Box" falls somewhere closer to wearing an oversized mistletoe belt buckle made of weed than quoting Bad Santa on the "don't fucking do it at a professional function" scale.
You just started any conversation with "I probably shouldn't be telling you this"
Do. Not. Finish. That. Conversation.
Sure, you could blame it on the peel-and-eat shrimp, but you shouldn’t really stick around to blame anything at this point.
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Andy Kryza is a senior editor at Thrillist who always keeps a little peel-and-eat shrimp nearby, just in case he needs and excuse. Follow him away from the office @apkryza.