The TV universe often produces better stuff than the real one. The cornballer. The Human Fund. A version of David Hasselhoff that doesn't just lie on floors and shove cheeseburgers into his face. And then, there's the beer. It humanizes our cartoons and stands out as hilariously fake in our live-action shows, even the ones that aren't hilarious themselves. In honor of inebriation that's fake on at least infinity levels, we threw together 14 of the most notable examples of TV brews out there, before pitting them all against each other in a power ranking. Keep reading to see which was named champion of fictional ales.
Top Things You Do That Annoy Baristas
14: Dharma Initiative Beer (Lost) This canned brew has one sick logo, and also comes in light! But it's also been sitting on a terrifying island since the '70s, which means it probably tastes worse than Hurley's armpit.
13: Pawtucket Patriot Ale (Family Guy) We're sure Pawtucket is a perfectly acceptable Sam Adams knock-off, but this is also the favorite of a man who has regular fights with a chicken, so he might not be the best judge of brewscharacter anything.
12: Alamo Beer (King of the Hill) Okay, sure, there was that whole thing where Alamo Beer was crazy contaminated and their execs were kinda tools, but they eventually came to their senses! Plus, Alamo basically powered the town of Arlen, Texas and, if nothing else, it's obviously pretty memorable.
11: Buzz Beer (The Drew Carey Show) On the one hand, it's pretty cool that Drew, Lewis, Oswald, and Kate managed to create their own brew with nothing more than suds and a pot of coffee. On the other hand, they are aware that coffee stouts have been around for a while, right?
10: Van Der Brau (Don't Trust the B in Apartment 23) It's Danish. It's weird. It's got a shrieking, lion-maned James Van Der Beek on the label. Points all around.
9: Jekyll Island Beer (Dexter) This brew has also popped up on Lost, but it made its splashiest appearance on Dexter when the Ice Truck Killer (spoiler alert: that's him right there) swilled it as he briefed Dex on their shared secret. Later on, they grabbed a six pack and road-tripped to Raleigh for a conference on cheek slicing (spoiler alert: none of that happened).
8: Schmitts Gay (Saturday Night Live) Even if banana hammocks aren't your bag, that looks like one hell of a pool party.
6: Samuel L. Jackson (Chappelle's Show) Making Chappelle look like Samuel L. Jackson in a tri-cornered hat guarantees a great label. Putting Samuel L. Jackson beer in your belly guarantees you'll get messed up.
5: Heisler (Almost any show you can imagine) Heisler must be damn good beer, because it shows up EVERYWHERE. Here on Burn Notice, to the left on Happy Endings, take it back now y'all to New Girl, one hop to My Name Is Earl, right foot -- you get the idea. The next time you're surfing channels, keep an eye out, 'cause it's probably warm Heisler those sitcom actors are sipping.
4: Romulan Ale (Star Trek) This bright blue drank was so intoxicating, it was banned by the United Federation of Planets, though plenty of officers kept drinking it on the sly. Which means Romulan ale was basically SPACE MOONSHINE, and there's probably some moon pun there that's not really worth figuring out.
3: Mudder's Milk (Firefly) This sci-fi specialty brags of having "all the protein, vitamins, and carbs of your grandma's best turkey dinner, plus 15% alcohol". Un-cancel it too!!
2: Duff Beer (The Simpsons) A classic with generations of devoted Springfield boozers behind it, Duff is so good that people have been incurring Rupert Murdoch's wrath trying to replicate it for ages. Creator Matt Groening has said in the past he'd never allow it, but you can get an officially licensed version at Universal Orlando's Springfield. Or find one of the many unofficially licensed cans online.
1. Bendërbrau (Futurama) You can try all you like, but you just can't beat a beer that's brewed inside a robot. Case closed, thanks for playing, better luck next year, good day to you sir.