America was built on one great tradition: the tradition of totally messing up other traditions by going USA all over their traditionalness -- but always for the greater good, because America brings the fun. Here, Thrillist humbly offers six new ways to celebrate St. Patrick's. Enjoy them all until it's time to invent more
Rename Yourself for the Day
The man credited with taking St. Patrick hostage was Niall Noígíallach, or "Niall of the Nine Hostages". While you don't necessarily want to take up Niall's activities -- mainly, hostage-taking -- you should definitely follow his lead and come up with an impossibly cool name for yourself, like "Steve of the Nine Girls Text-Messaged", or maybe even just "Niall".
Niall also devoted considerable energy to fathering sons (12 of them!), and being your ancestor (the "Niall chromosome" runs through roughly 2-3 million descendants). Read up on his kind of amazing exploits here.
Rap the Porcelain
If you've never seen the scene in The Boondock Saints where Connor MacManus drops a toilet off a tall Boston building to save his brother's life, then jumps off that building with the same purpose in mind, you definitely should. It doesn't matter whether you think the rest of this movie is a cult classic or a train wreck only brainwashed cult members could possibly enjoy, that porcelain represented something. Two things actually: ingenuity and fearlessness, not only on the part of the characters, but also on the part of the bartender/musician/legendary megalomaniac who wrote & directed this weirdly divisive flick. It takes an inspired mind to actually come up with a new instrument for taking out bad guys after all the good ones have been used, and it takes a courageous mind to say: "That new instrument is going to be a toilet." Finding a means to make it in America when no one else believes such means are available -- that's what America's all about. This St. Patrick's Day, and every St. Patrick's after, let's celebrate that spirit with a knock-on-wood rap on the porcelain whenever we happen to find ourselves in its vicinity.
Watch Overnight -- a doc on the unbelievable rise/fall of Saints director Troy Duffy -- for zero dollars on YouTube
No matter our faith, we should all observe Lent. Why? Because giving up something for 40 days can teach you incredible things: how much you love the thing you're giving up, how much you love yourself for being able to do it, and how much you love talking about how much willpower you have. Most importantly, St. Patrick's Day falls at the halfway point of Lent, and at least since the 1960s, it's been considered an unofficial time out on your obligations: the one day of the 40-day drought when you're allowed to make it rain. Whatever habit you've chosen to drop, just imagine how much you'll enjoy it on that special day in March, when you've already proven you can go 20 days without, and you know you can go 20 days more. Man you're going to eat a lot of chocolate on St. Patrick's Day.
Get that someecard right here
Everyone knows that St. Patrick led all the snakes out of Ireland. This is a tough aspect of his biography to honor, because of the difficulty most people have leading snakes anywhere, and also because there just aren't a ton of wild snakes slithering around these days. Western states do still hold rattlesnake roundups, but those have been coming under fire from environmentalists lately for outliving their purpose, and regardless, if you're not the one doing the rounding up, the main attraction is eating rattlesnake -- which some say tastes just like chicken, but actually tastes like terrible, kind of undercooked chicken. So just concentrate on St. Patrick's most underrated act: forgiving the people who abducted him and held him in captivity for six years, then player-hated (prayer-hated?) when he returned to Ireland to do all his saintly stuff. If he can do that, the rest of us can quit spending our days fuming over that resolution specialist from the utility company who couldn't fix your problem even if she wanted to.
Check out more freaking amazing snake photos by Trisha Shears
Invent a Better Novelty T-shirt
"Kiss Me I'm Irish" could use a little improvement, and it's all of our responsibility to do it, even if it just means going with the slightly more confident "I'm Irish, And I'd Like To Kiss You." Other possibilities could play off Greek mythology ("Release the Craicen"), indie rock ("Sláinte and Enchanted", because even on this very popular holiday you're still totally into Pavement's modestly selling debut album), hip hop ("In Da Pub"), and whatever this "dubstep" thing is ("Dublinstep"). Another winner: "St. Pat's: like Valentine's, except you're dating everybody.
Dye a River Blue
Instead of dying your local river green like Chicago does, go with the official color of the Order of St. Patrick, which the OSP Football Team still wears for throwback games.