Every time I step up to order my personal favorite Starbucks lineup of caffeine/shots/syrup/milk/custom/drink, one of three things happens: some idiot behind me snickers, some idiot behind me gets worked up into a simmering rage, or some idiot behind me quickly thumbs my drink specifications into his iPhone so he can reproduce them in the comments section of some idiot article some idiot wrote about how people who order complicated Starbucks drinks are idiots.
Well I’m done playing the Viagra to your limp wit. You’ve disparaged this latte lover for the last time.
Your schtick is tired, bordering on exhausted
Do you know what the opposite of original is? It's the opposite of "not you." Smug mouth-breathers have been making fun of complicated Starbucks orders for 20 years -- do you really think your rote recitation of yet another ingredient combination is adding something to the Joke Pantheon? How about when you crack wise about that time Al Gore said he invented the Internet? Do you expect George Carlin and Richard Pryor to rise from the dead and throw a Friars Club dinner in your honor? Buy a nice jacket, because that’s totally happening.
I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing
Starbucks offers 87,000 different possible combinations. To manage those practically infinite possibilities, they print an ordering system on the back of every goddamn cup. To me, that says, “We encourage customization.” To you, it says, “Yeah but we still want you to order like a drone who’s too timid or too unimaginative to ask for what they really want.” I’ll bet you a venti stack of Franklins that my interpretation aligns more squarely with the intentions of the great Howard Schultz.
I’m not taking up any of your time
Dripping espresso takes more time than pouring regular coffee. Steaming milk for a latte takes more time than just dripping espresso. If I ordered a plain espresso, you wouldn’t give me crap. If I ordered a plain latte, you wouldn’t give me crap either. Well suck on this: my additional customizations don’t cut any further into your day. If I want soy milk instead of regular, all the barista has to do is press a different button. If I want an extra shot, he just presses the same button twice. If I want a pull off that bottle of caramel syrup, that might add five seconds. If you think waiting an extra five seconds gives you moral superiority, waiting for someone to finish pooping when you only have to pee must make you feel like Jesus.
And even if I were…
What am I making you late for? An important business meeting where you'll discuss the IPO potential of the bitterly un-funny Facebook post you’re about to waste 20 minutes writing?
But you drink black coffee & can totally make fun of espresso drinkers because yuppies = bad
Oh, you take your Starbucks® Veranda Blend™ black? That’s so gritty. What’s your UFC knockout record? How did you survive all those years as a POW in Cambodia when you knew no one was coming to rescue you because we weren’t even supposed to be in Cambodia? Come on dude, you get your black coffee from the last place in the world that still plays Sheryl Crow. You thinking this somehow makes you a tough guy is my favorite mistake.
The barista can handle it
Don’t try to enlist reinforcements by expressing calculated empathy for the barista. The barista can handle my order. That’s why they call him a barista, and not a “coffee pourer guy.” When you give him that knowing “Can you believe this guy?” look, you’re insulting his professionalism, thereby making you the classist ass, not me.
It’s not my fault that you can’t remember things
Now that I’ve decimated every other rationale for your ridicule, all you’re left with is your contention that I sound like a freak when I spit out my order with terrifying efficiency. But it's that very efficiency that keeps the line you’re so concerned about moving. When you order something 3+ times a week for a year, you kind of get the hang of it -- it’s only seven components, it’s not like I’m spitting out specifications for a hydrogen bomb. I’m sorry if my average capacity for storing and retrieving information makes you feel insecure, but you might have some deeper issues you need to explore.
So what are you going to bitch about now?
Complain about customers who don’t know what they want and waste your time while they try to figure it out (chances are, you are this customer). Or people who expect Starbucks-level customization at coffee shops that don't encourage it. Or evil Hollywood movie agents who expect interns who have never trained as baristas to remember complicated latte orders and then fire them when they come back with 10 pumps of vanilla instead of 12. Or those cheating New England Patriots, or that spying NSA, or that sovereign nation-invading Vladimir Putin.
Hell, bitch about how annoying it is when couples complain that, when they tell people that they’re pregnant, everybody makes such a big deal about it -- as if they’d be happier if you just said, “Oh, cool” and then asked them how many weekends they wanted in the Dewey Beach summer share you were organizing.
It’s a big world out there, filled with at least 87,000 things more worthy of your condescension than my Starbucks order. Pick one. Or maybe try combining several of them together. Whatever makes you happy, d-bag.
David Blend is an executive editor at Thrillist. He likes every Jason Statham movie except the artsy one with the nun in it, so he really doesn't have the right to criticize your tastes. Follow him on Twitter here.