Science basically insists you drink a bottle of wine a day
Atoning for being such a prick to you with Physics class, science is trying to win you back: First, it verified that it's ok to eat floor candy, and now it's giving you the green light to drink a bottle of wine a day. That's right: According to Dr. Kari Poikolainen -- who really deserves a Nobel for this one -- a whole bottle of wine in one day isn't harmful to your health. See, your favorite bottle of Two-Buck Chuck is equivalent to 5.64 units of alcohol. The good doctor believes you're not endangering yourself until you hit about 7.33. On top of that, Poikolainen claims that moderate drinkers are likely to outlive their non-drinking peers, and could stand to push past their recommended daily alcohol guidelines.
Dr. P is obviously coming under fire from the squares, so take what he says as you will. But even if he's just a little right, your crazy ex-girlfriend might have a leg up on longevity after all. Maybe you should text her after your daily bottle.