These are the 43 types of beer drinkers
Here at Thrillist, we spend much of our time consulting people who’ve taken anthropology classes in order to figure out and document every single kind of person who does anything remotely interesting. And because straw polls done by consulting firms seem to indicate that interesting people drink beer, we present to you every single type of beer drinker ever (except maybe the ones you tell us we missed in the comments). To wit:
The Guy Who Will Be Forever Known As “Drinking Games Guy”
It was super cool at 21, and has gotten just a little bit sadder every year since.
The Guy Who’s A Little Too Excited For Pumpkin Beer Season
Gender norms don’t let him decorate his apartment in a Thanksgiving motif, so he expresses himself via the soothing taste of nutmeg.
The Texas Transplant Who Won’t Shut Up About Shiner Bock
We get it, they have a yellow label.
The Pennsylvania Transplant Who Won’t Shut Up About Yuengling
We get it, you’re from Pennsylvania, and you’re an asshole.
The Mississippi Transplant Who’s Just Really Happy He Found A State With Better Beer
We really do get it.
The Guy Who’s In A Constant Hops Arms Race With Himself
Has definitely walked by pine trees and thought about just taking a bite and seeing what happens.
The Guy Who Is A Sucker For Gimmicks
“But Adrian Grenier says it’s actually MORE convenient if you have to use a churchkey to open it!!!”
The Homeless Guy Who’s Weirdly Picky
“This Olde English’s born-on date has expired. Believe you me, good sir, my friends in the public library restroom will be hearing all about this.”
The Dad Who Is Trying His Best To Keep Up With The Latest Beer Trend
“So I tried an Indiana Pale Ale the other day. Man, those hops are phat.”
The Girl Who Is Infinitely More Knowledgeable Than You Are About Beer
“Wait just a second lady, you’re telling me Cigar City isn’t some giant smoking-device warehouse?”
The Guy Whose Beer Tastes Are Inextricably Linked To Whatever Commercial He Really Likes Right Now
The Guy Who Is Weirdly Insistent He Was Drinking PBR Before It Was A Thing
“You don’t know Carl, but me and Carl used to drink PBRs back in, like, the '90s when Richard Lewis was doing Boku commercials.”
The 100lb Girl With A Taste For Potent Crafts & A Tolerance That Hasn’t Followed Suit
For the first time in her life she is jealous of the chubby dude at the end of the bar sitting by himself.
The Guy Who Went Abroad To Japan & Now Only Drinks Japanese Rice Beers While Making Everyone Take Their Shoes Off When They Go To His Wooden Folding Screen-Adorned Basement-Level Studio Apartment
Wait, you also have a bonsai tree?!?
The Light Beer Loyalist
Gets a disproportionate amount of enjoyment out of asking for a macrobrew at a craft beer bar and waiting for the scorn to hit.
The Guy Who Simply Can’t Fathom Why Everyone Doesn’t Love Sours
“Okay try THIS one... it’s not that sour. You still hate it? WHO ARE YOU?!”
The Girl Who Can Outdrink All The Guys & Tries To Hide It
Wait, has she been drinking Triple IPAs this whole time?
The Girl Who Thinks She Can Outdrink All The Guys & Cannot
Wait, has she been asleep in that corner this whole time?
The Guy Who Orders By ABV & Nothing Else
Often doubles as the guy who is perplexed as to why that 15% Russian imperial stout wasn’t served in a pint glass.
The Guy Who Only Wants To Order Ciders All The Time Ever, But Feels Like He Can’t Because People Will Judge Him
He would feel so much safer in England.
The Wine Drinker Who Has Begrudgingly Accepted That Beer Is Now A Thing
Still rages on the inside everytime someone mentions a “beer pairing”.
The Guy Who Always Orders Guinness & Always Insists It’s So Much Better In Ireland
He’s never been to Ireland.
The Guy Who Only Drinks Beers In BeerAdvocate’s Top 250
“I ordered Gueuzerie Tilquin’s Oude Quetsche Tilquin à L’Ancienne Lambic before even consulting the list and kind of freaked out, but then I saw it at 215, and I was like PHEWWWW.”
The Guy Who Just Discovered BeerAdvocate Today
“Guys, I am going to BLOW. YOUR. MINDS.”
The Girl Who Is Tired Of Us Freaking Out About Self-Consciously Overcompensating For Traditional Gender Norms, And Just Wants To Drink Good Beer, Okay, Losers?
STOP CORRECTLY IDENTIFYING OUR FLAWS!
The Guy Who Treats Beer Like Indie Bands
“Yeah, Bruery was pretty good before they sold out and started being carried in stores, and minorly profiting.”
The Guy Who Insists On Bringing His Own Coozies To The Bar
“No need for a glass, my man, I’ve got Bob Coozie right here with me.” #involuntaryfacepunch
The Guy Who Went To Belgium That One Time
No, seriously, we’d really love to hear you overpronounce “Cantillon” for the 12th time in the last three minutes.
The Guy Who Only Drinks Bud Heavies. In Cans. Ever.
He tried Bud Dry once in the ‘80s. It did NOT go well.
The 36-Year-Old Still Making Power Hour Mixes
“Oh dude, this one has so much Stone Temple Pilots.”
The Guy Who Strategically Insists On Always Getting The First Round
Tread carefully, he’s working on the assumption that you’ll drink enough to keep thinking you owe him beers all night.
The Intimidatingly Knowledgeable Bearded Guy
Sure he seems nice, but you always get the sense that he’s judging your order. And he is. OH, he is.
The Guy Suspiciously Buying Girls Rounds Who Isn’t Drinking And Is Wearing A Coat Indoors
Just arrest him now already.
The Fledgling Homebrewer Who Desperately Wants You And Anyone Else To Drink His Beer
He’s got, like, seven gallons of very mediocre pale ale left in his basement and he can’t stomach another sip. Just take some home. Please?
The Guy Who Modeled His Beer Drinking Life After Jimmy Buffett’s Song Catalogue
Whoops you spilled beer on his Tommy Bahama shirt. It’s cool man he has three more at home. Hey, is it 5 o’clock somewhere?!
The Guy Just Trying To Pad His Untappd Stats
If you’re going to spend this much time staring at your phone in the bar, at LEAST let it be Tinder.
The Guy Who Secretly Has Never Liked Beer But Just Can’t Go Back Now
He has a secret stash of 1998 Zima’s he drinks after everyone goes to bed.
The Guy Who Shops Solely Based On Label Art
He basically only buys Tallgrass Brewing Company’s 8-bit Pale Ale.
The Beer Version Of A Sneaker Head
Has amassed an incredible collection of rare finds. Ask him when he might open one and he looks like you want to abduct his children.
The Guy Who Infuriatingly Refers To Major Famous Brewers By Their First Names
“So get this: Jimmy over at Sam Adams was talking to Sam from Dogfish Head, and..."
Brought a six-pack to a party. Three were consumed. The other three went home with him.
Just pray you get to sit next to him on a cross-country flight.
Kevin Alexander is executive editor of Food/Drink and is often told his taste in beer "sucks" and is "embarrassing, even for hobos". Follow him to his Mom's backyard to find old cans of Red Dog: @KAlexander03.