All photos by Dave Presley
Whether you want to admit or not, you are inevitably going to end up at someone’s house watching the Super Bowl amidst a bevy of snacks, booze, and other people. And that can be totally great, unless one of these people shows up:
The obsessive tweeter
Only interested in watching enough of the game to post a bunch of #HotSportsTakes in the hopes one will get RT’d by Colin Cowherd or something. #phonesmash
Shows up with nothing. Consumes the most of everything. Leaves wearing your nice dress shirt.
The guy who’s actually going to the Super Bowl
He’s not at the party. But you can still hate him. And his trust fund.
The compulsive gambler
No, I’m not going to lend you money for 2nd half prop bets. I don’t even know how to “wire money”. And please, stop crying.
The guy constantly updating you on his squares pool
“All I need is for Seattle to get back-to-back safeties before the half and I’m GOLDEN!”
The walking “Around the Horn” analyst
Insists on trying out one-liners all game long. Is somehow less funny than Woody Paige. Just kidding, of course. NO ONE is less funny than Woody Paige.
The guy who played DIII college football
Yes, we’re sure your stint as a third-string punter at Williams has made you an authority on how Seattle should deploy the zone read.
The girl who talks through the whole game, insists on silence during commercials
Yes, you’ve mentioned the commercials are your favorite. Not everyone agrees.
The view obstructer
You don’t even seem to have an agenda. You’re just meandering in front of the TV. Did someone hypnotize you?
The clandestine farter
He (or she?!) is everywhere. And terrifying. With unfettered access to bean dip.
The guy who won’t stop yelling “Omaha!”
It was funny the first… actually, no. It was never, ever funny.
The seat stealer
Sometimes a man needs to use the bathroom. And don’t tell me he didn’t call “fives” or something. What are you, 13? Oh crap, YOU ARE?
The appetizer hog
Is he really eating guacamole with the serving spoon?
The guy STILL talking about his fantasy team
It’s great that you’re still super happy you drafted Eric Decker in the sixth round. Now let it go. Please?!
The guy who insists on explaining football to girls who actually understand it fine
Amazingly, he’ll often get stuff wrong, too. And stop winking every time you say “tight end”.
The hard-drinking, unemployed guy who doesn’t have to get up tomorrow
No, we aren’t doing whiskey shots every time there’s a “second down.”
The French guy
Seriously, why is there a French guy here?
The girl who hates Super Bowl parties
Problem is she also hates missing out. Other problem is she kind of enjoys inflicting misery on others.
The one person who is really, really excited about the halftime show
No one should know that many Bruno Mars lyrics. Not even Bruno Mars.
The couple with the poorly timed juice cleanse
Just bail on it? Please? You both look like you’re about to faint. Here… drink this queso, it’s liquid!
The guy who forgot deodorant
Come on man, even the French guy is wearing some.
The guy in a team that is definitely not in the Super Bowl's gear
Why exactly are you wearing a Jake Delhomme jersey again?
The guy no one really knows
I think he used to work with Phil? Or maybe he’s Steve’s cousin. I haven’t seen him speak yet...
WE THOUGHT WE WERE FINALLY RID OF YOU?!?!
The guy “taking it easy” because he’s recently gotten super Into Soul Cycle
“Do you have any coconut water? That’s all I drink now”
The guy who brought his iPad
The commercial critic
Are you really going to weigh in on every one like some kind of Roger Ebert for overproduced advertisements?
The guy who thinks he’s the first one to realize Colorado and Washington both legalized marijuana
You realize professional comedians have done much better jokes on this than the ones you’re telling. Well, except Leno.
The soccer evangelist
If he says he’s partial to “real football” one more time...
The guy who still watches American Idol
We don’t care that you think Harry Connick, Jr. is sneaky funny, and the chemistry between J-Lo and Keith Urban has really blossomed.
The guy who just downloaded Tinder
He hasn’t looked up for 37 minutes.
The guy who brought his poorly trained dog
Talk about getting sh*t on, amiright?!?!?!
The bathroom hog
Travis has been in there a long time. Wait, is he looking at Tinder?
The wet blanket girlfriend
Starts asking when they can leave around second half kickoff.
The girl who is legitimately angry they didn’t just bring Beyonce back for halftime again
All her Super Bowls are ruined until Emperor Blue Ivy Carter performs at Super Bowl LX from the inside of a robot.
The intimidatingly knowledgable lady fan
You’re making me feel inadequate. But before you go, can you explain zone reads to that dude from Williams?
The guy who’s a little too excited about the game being played in the cold
If he says “old school smash mouth football” one more time...
The guy who keeps demanding The Puppy Bowl
Even though he is DVRing The Puppy Bowl. (They ARE pretty adorable).
The guy who can’t work his DVR remote intricacies
He tries to go back to one cool replay and suddenly you’ve missed the third quarter.
The guy who somehow links everything back to Obamacare
We were just commenting on how good the pasta salad is. You didn’t even attempt a transition!
Concussion downer guy
We know there probably won’t be football in 10 years, just let us enjoy this.
the food spread instagrammer
you really just captured the essence of that 7-layer dip in willow.
the guy “smoking” e-cigs
it’s weird and still kind of gross, and we can’t get used to it.
the guy who never moves
are you wearing a diaper? you are, aren’t you?
the guy who “knows” peyton manning
you literally met him once outside the men’s room in a capitol grille in arizona. stop saying you “just want one more trophy for your boy”.
the guy who considers salsa ethnic food
may insinuate you are a terrorist for offering him hummus.
stop embarrassing me! i have friends over!
he may just be on tv. but he’s still the worst.
kevin alexander is thrillist’s national food/drink executive editor, and owns at least three steve grogan patriots jerseys. follow him to tony eason’s house @kalexander03.
matt lynch is a senior editor at thrillist and pines for the years when the bears had curtis enis. follow him into lou malnati’s @mlynchchi.