There are certain people you encounter in basically every drinking establishment you've ever visited whose sole mission in life is to sabotage your and your friends' good time. They are human party fouls who can turn your epic night into a mega-annoying evening. But if you spot them early, you can either avoid them or stymie their horribleness before it starts, thereby preserving good times for you and your crew. Here they are.

Anthony Humphreys

1. The BFF

The Bartender Friend Forever is besties with your drink-slinger (or at least thinks they are), and wants everyone to know it. How? By making sure the bartender spends 75% of his or her time chatting and not serving you and your friends another round.
 

2. The Jukebox Jumper

Just because the machine allows you to screw over everyone else's selections doesn't mean you should. The Jukebox Jumper will pay $2 to get a Nickelback. That's not only poor form, it's bad math.

Anthony Humphreys

3. The Potty Trainer

Whatever this person's getting up to (doing their hair? going through a Shake Weight workout?), it couldn't possibly have anything to do with bodily functions. They've been in there so long you're starting to get FOMO even though you're standing 10 feet away from your friends.
 

4. The Townie

You don't notice him at first. He's sitting on a distant corner stool blending into the scenery like a bottle of dusty bottle of cut-rate whiskey. The Townie appears to have been born, raised, and educated in the bar itself. Any threat to his environment will cause him to lash out like a gorilla protecting its jungle. A gorilla with fewer teeth and somehow more body hair.

Anthony Humphreys

5. The Stool Pigeon

He/she will drop their poop on a stool they're not even sitting on, because their jacket/handbag/backpack is definitely more deserving of a seat at the bar than an actual human being.

6. The Swingers

No, not those kind of swingers, we're talking swinging dancers who despite the fact that this area is clearly not a designated dance floor will repeatedly crash into you with the attitude that they have the right to physically assault anyone not living life as fully as they are.
 

7. The “I Know You!” Guy

For the 100th time, no you don't. Quit making me feel generic.

Anthony Humphreys

8. The Loudspeaker

Highly opinionated about uselessly obscure things, with cries of “Actually…” ringing out, this human bullhorn can shatter the entire bar's ability to focus on their own conversations. Even people on Pluto hate him, because they can actually hear him lecturing his friends on how Makemake is a much cooler dwarf planet.

9. The Pool Boy

He came by himself to this bar with the sole purpose of beating people at pool -- to kick ass and take your name off the chalkboard. Woe to your friend who has to be his doubles partner.

Anthony Humphreys

10. The Hip Checker

Obstinately refuses to move sideways through tight but navigable passageways, instead plowing straight through and singlehandedly raising an otherwise good-times bar's mood to Aggro Level 5.

11. That Guy From Work?

You definitely don't know his name, but you have to go talk to him, because if you don't, he'll come talk to you, and then you'll have to introduce him to everybody, but you can't introduce him, because you definitely don't know his name. Unless it's Steve? Or... Jann?
 

12. The Lingerers

Man, that table is perfect. Too bad there are four people still sitting there 20 minutes after they paid their bill, sipping on melted ice and having an uninspiring brainstorm about where they should go next. Maybe we just get another one here!

13. The Game Manager

He’s got his jersey, team hat, and enough pride-fueled testosterone to get banned even from Cameron Indoor Stadium, where people are apparently crazy. And that’s all fine. Except he’s watching a regular season Duke basketball game. And you’re not in a sports bar. And you’re in New Hampshire.

14. The Suck Magnet

Your very own friend, who despite his many fine qualities is incapable of extricating himself from any conversation started with him by anybody. If a 50-year-old corkboard salesman starts talking to him about how Craigslist killed the public kiosk, he will pretend to be interested until you pull him out of there like a fireman pulling a baby out of a burning building. Which is cool, you're a hero like that.
 

15. The Good Times Enforcer

This dude will assert his alphaness by complaining loudly about how "this bar is lame," then challenge you directly ("Come on bro, am I right?") to live up to his idea of fun, which typically includes harassing groups of women and exhibiting thinly veiled racism. Yay!


As a loyal reader, your opinion is more important to us than oxygen, or hydrogen even. Please take this quick survey and tell us what you think!

Clickbait

close

Learn More