Food & Drink

The Only Beer Bucket List That Matters

Beer Bucket List
Oren Aks/Thrillist

Everybody loves a good bucket list (except film critics, who hated that whimsical Morgan Freeman vehicle). But the thing is, bucket lists are always so ambitious. Climb to the top of this. Read that. Make amends with so-and-so illegitimate child you didn't know you had. They're exhausting.

The same goes for beer bucket lists. There's always some schmo (sometimes it's me!) suggesting you travel the globe, searching for rare and delicious beers. If you're into that, by all means: I'm sure you and Jack Nicholson will have a great time, and that neither of you will die at the end (spoiler alert!). But this isn't one of those lists. This is the bucket list for the beer lovers who don't want to put a ton of effort into trivial life goals. It's short and imperfect and easy, because enjoying beer should never be difficult.

Old man at bar
Dan Morris/Thrillist

Share a beer while receiving sage-like advice from a person twice your age

They're buying. You're listening. And this advice will stay with you for your entire life.

Share a beer while giving sage-like advice to a person twice your junior

You're buying. They're listening. And it's that same weird bullshit that old man said to you in this same bar 50 years ago.

Drink on a boat while listening to Hall & Oates

Scientific fact, when combined with deck shoes, a cool breeze, and a red cup full of cheap beer, "Sara Smile" is the greatest goddamned song ever written, with respect to "She's Like the Wind" and "The Rainbow Connection." Even if you hate yacht rock.

Try to homebrew, but then give up and buy a rack of the cheap stuff

You can always put lime in it and say you made a fruit beer.

Complain about overpaying for a stadium beer

While waiting in line to purchase your third, probably.

Shotgun a tallboy

Because any scrub can do it with a regularboy.

Have a talk with your favorite brewer

Preferably not one explaining why you were drinking straight from the tank.

Buy somebody a beer on their 21st birthday

Their first beer ever, naturally!

Get the high score on Photo Hunt

And not the one with puppies. The one with the dongs.

Order a beer in another language

A cerveza in Mexico, perhaps. Or a Foster's in Australia.

Launch a bottle rocket out of a bottle you yourself emptied

Patriotism is a thirsty business.

Spill all over a karaoke stage

Bonus points if it's during "Sara Smile."

Close down your favorite bar

Leave with the bartender and find someplace that's open.

Buy a round for everybody at the bar

Pray it's $2 tallboy time. And that everybody at the bar consists of you and the bartender.

Lug a 30-pack deep into the woods during a camping trip

Immediately regret not bringing more the next morning, despite the searing lower-back pain.

Beer sampler
Andy Kryza/Thrillist

Drink a sampler of every single beer in your favorite taproom

Cocked eyebrow and quizzical expression with each sip optional

Invent your own drinking game, and actually get people to play it

Make it stupid. But make clear rules. Because nobody wants to play handless flip cup if there's no structure, dammit.

Drink a green beer

Probably on St. Pat's, but if it's any other day, you're either doing something incredibly right, or incredibly dangerous.

Learn at least one signature recipe that involves beer

Maybe it's a marinade. Maybe it's bread. Or maybe it's an excuse to crack a beer at 9am as you prepare your famous "poorly cooked eggs."

Float a river with a cooler tied up next to you

Yachts are for Hall & Oates wannabes. Tubes are the great equalizer, and the best way to enjoy the great outdoors without doing a damn thing.  

Dart board
Timothy Norris/Thrillist

Hit a bullseye on a dartboard in a dark bar

Yes, it counts if nobody saw. And if it took you all night to do it.

Learn a go-to party trick involving beer cans

Maybe it's aluminum origami. Maybe it's opening it with your teeth. But once you do it, you have to repeat it in every social situation you can. It's your duty.

Shoot a beer can or bottle

Yes, a BB gun counts. So does a Nerf gun, as long as the thing falls over.

Stop caring what other people think about your tastes

Your conversations will be more pleasant. And so will you. Because you'll be drinking whatever you love instead of pretending to enjoy the subtle nuances of the parsnip-infused experimental sour beer you're used to choking down to look smart.

Resign as a detective, only to be haunted by the details of the one case you never solved, which led you to later reunite with your estranged partner while contemplating the circular nature of existence itself, all while subsisting on a steady diet of Lone Stars and cigarettes

Just once.  

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Andy Kryza is a senior editor at Thrillist. He prefers his circles flat and his Photo Hunts erotic. Follow him to existentialism and high scores @apkryza.