In the dog days of summer, nothing quenches your thirst quite like an ice-cold glass of lemonade. Especially when it's purchased from a cute kid who keeps insisting it's fresh-squeezed, despite the Country Time container sitting right next to her. It's an American entrepreneurial tradition for kids across America.
Thing is, while that delicious Country Time hasn't changed, they just don't make kids like they used to. And the kids they do make just aren't as good at selling lemonade (the beverage, not the award-winning multi-media concept album). Such is life for these 10 kind-of-crappy businesskids. We slogged through their meager offerings so you don't have to. We even dealt with Daisy. And as you probably know, Daisy is the absolute worst.
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They used to be such nice girls! Now they are slingin' water mixed with yellow food coloring to scrounge up quarters for a God knows what kind of After School Special fodder. But, at least they are having fun, right?
The girl who put her stand in the middle of fucking nowhere
Kid: Rachel P. Location: 23 Tumbleweed Dr
"If you build it, they will come," does not apply to lemonade stands in the middle of a desolate field -- no matter how big you make your font. On top of that, her product is too tart, and definitely not worth the high risk of tick bites. Lyme disease is no joke. But Rachel's lemonade is.
Also, she forgot the flowers.
The kid who is actually not smart enough to even do this, bless his little heart
Kid: Dylan R. Street: 334 General George Patton Way
He spent the whole afternoon grinningly sheepishly, while trying to count the money his Mom gave him to "start him off." He keeps calling the quarters "metal Legos." Poor little guy.
The girl with zero marketing skills
Name: Avery H. Location: 4445 Euphrates Way
Generic cups. '80s pitcher (zero visibility!). Rickety table that has literally been in every Grandma's house ever. And seriously? She couldn't spring for a marker? This girl has no future. She barely has a present.
Her lemonade is actually OK, though. It's a shame no one will ever drink it.
The kids who are almost definitely up to something weird
Kids: Joseph H, Paul C, and Francine R. Location: 13 Sailor's Way
On my 18th birthday, my mother told me to remember two things: never go to bed angry, and never accept free lemonade from a kid in a basketball jersey, a Village of the Damned reject, and a girl who looks like she is being held against her will.
I never needed it, until I met this trio.
The girl who got high on her own supply
Kid: Sadie M. Location: 308 Negra Arroyo Lane
You play the citrus game, till it plays you, playa.
The mom who made her clearly-too-young son a lemonade stand because she can't stand how miserable she is in her own life and needs an escape
Kids: Oliver S. and Mrs. S. Location: Wisteria Ave
A single day's lemonade profits will not pay for a lifetime of inevitable therapy.
The kids who really don't want to be here
Kids: Shane, Maya, and Simone L. Location: 567 Lundy Rd
Mom said she wanted some alone time in the house this summer. Mom sucks sometimes -- and her new friend "Uncle Ron" isn't too great, either.