The 28 Worst People at Every Sports Bar (Plus One Great One)
Whether you're watching your favorite college team throw up erratic 3-pointers during March Madness, looking for a place that's showing a pre-season NASCAR race, or just really, really like chicken wings and screaming people, you're going to end up at a sports bar at some point. And when you do, you will run into these people:
The Chicken Wing Slob
He buys 36 wings to share with the table, then tosses his spent bones back in the basket like an animal. He hates wet wipes, but loves giving high-fives. LOTS of high-fives.
The Superfan Who Definitely Didn't Go To The School He Roots For, Which Somehow Makes Him Even More Zealous
The worst part is, most of the time, that team is Notre Dame.
The Glory Days Old-Timer
Immediately finds people wearing his alma mater's colors and corners them into a conversation about that time they almost won the tournament in '76. Man, he got so much leg back then. Wants to know if "that one pizza place" is still on campus.
He's really, really trying to listen to the play-by-play, and you dozens of people talking are making it extremely difficult. Weirdly enough, he doesn't like watching games at home, either.
The Overcompensating Female Fan
"LET'S GO [insert team color]! GAWD, I EFFING LOVE THEM! Do you remember where I left my -- OHMYGOD! LET'S GO [insert team color]!"
The Channel Changer
How this man got the remote in the middle of a game and switched it over to House Hunters International is a mystery. Also, they're going to buy House #2. It's only slightly over-budget and close to city center!
The Back Smacker
Every time his team scores, he smacks your back like a sadistic nanny trying to get a burp out of the world's biggest baby. On the plus side, he just bought a round of shots. On the not-plus side, they're Kamikaze shots.
The Barstool Coach
If a job called "Hindsight Strategist" ever existed, this guy would be the perfect candidate.
The Disinterested Girl Who Got Dragged Along
She couldn't care less about the stupid game... but she hates being alone, and this is where her friends wanted to go, so she'll just spend the night tagging them all together on social media and swiping through Tinder.
The Guy Drinking Out of a Pitcher
Back in college, his friends called him "Big Ten Ben" or "Greg the Keg." Now they try not to call him at all.
The Infinite Smoke-Break Waitress
Mostly because Greg The Keg drank all of yours, you ordered another pitcher 20 mins ago, and she's come back without it twice, reeking of nicotine and secrets. But she seems very nice.
The Guy Monopolizing a TV with a Really Obscure Game
We get that you were here first, but you're the only one watching cricket on the 120-inch plasma, and there's a good chance somebody is going to dump your Pimm's Cup on you at any moment.
The Constant Gambler
"A shot says he makes this shot." "Double or nothing?" "Can I borrow $10?"
The Table Pounder
Whenever his team loses the lead, he starts pounding the table like a gorilla who particularly enjoys pounding tables. He frequently apologizes for knocking salt shakers onto the ground.
The Ref Hater
Her team is always right. The ref is always wrong. Even when her favorite player is hunched over a fallen opponent, gnawing on his face.
The Same-Team Hugger
Typically rotund and definitely smelling like a bar, every big play results in a life-threateningly tight embrace from this guy. Once saved a man who was choking and didn't even realize it.
The Sore Loser
After his team loses, he spends most of the night sipping the same warm beer and pouting.
The Awful Winner
After his team wins, he spends most of the night making passive-aggressive comments to the poor bastard sipping that warm beer and pouting. He updated his Facebook status 3 minutes before the game was over.
The Angry Girlfriend
She doesn't care how much of a fan you are or how you used to tailgate all the time or that there's a guy here from your alma mater who needs to know if that pizza place is still open. She has to get up for work tomorrow. Early. Stop ruining her week.
He is shirtless, painted in two solid colors, and doesn't realize that deodorant is essential when you spend a whole night screaming with your arms in the air. He took the bus here.
The Bracket Mathematician
Spends the entire game calculating how much money he stands to win or lose based on the ticker at the bottom of the screen. Slightly resembles Jeff Goldblum in Jurassic Park and often mutters profanities under his breath. On the plus side: doesn't touch the wings!
The Guy Who's Just There to Hit on State School Girls
He got sooooooooooooo much tail in college, and knows that you can take the "girl out of college, but you can't take the college out of the girl," even though that technically makes no sense.
The Tall Guy Without a Seat
We're not sure who invited Gheorghe Muresan's big brother Chad, but whoever did should treat the guy like an elderly pregnant woman with a wooden leg on the bus and give him their seat right now.
The Sad Salad Guy
He's on a diet, dammit! And he didn't eat before he came because he's not a good planner! And now he's eating a side salad at a sports bar, and picking out the croutons. It really has come to this, huh?
The Old Guy Who Isn't Watching Any Games, But Loves the Atmosphere
He doesn't give a crap about any game, but always picks a side to cheer for while hovering over a table of fans 20yrs his junior. He doesn't smoke, but can he bum one?
The Non-Fan Who Got Something to Go And Didn't Realize There Would Be a Game On
You can recognize him by the look of terror on his face, when he comes in to pick up his weekly Tuesday fried-chicken sandwich with extra chips and sees the crowd.
The Guy Who Tickles People
Seriously?! No one tickles anyone anymore/ever! It's even creepy when you do it to yourself!
The Family with Kids
Mom is completely aghast at the sheer amount of f-bombs floating around the bar, especially the ones that come out of her husband every 15 minutes. Whose idea was this anyway?!?!
Bonus Best Person In A Sports Bar:
The Girl Who Just Came to a Sports Bar Because She Wanted to Watch a Game, and Drink Beer, and Eat Wings, and Has No Other Agenda
Will you marry us?!?
Andy Kryza is Thrillist's national eat/drink senior editor, a Flintstones-era Spartan, a retired Lions fan, and often the Sore Loser and Awful Winner at the same time. Follow him to the smell of tear gas via @apkryza.