One of the best things about bars is also one of the worst: you never know who you're going to meet. For every Cute Girl Who Seems to Legitimately Laugh at All Your Jokes (who may or may not be the grown-up equivalent of the Summer camp gf from Canada), there are plenty of people the bar could do without: the ones who ruin everything from the simple ordering of a drink, to your entire night.
So you should peruse this comprehensive list of every watering hole's worst inhabitants, realize you know every single one of them already, then make sure you're not The Lurker.
The Guy Looking For a Fight
Yes, I did bump into you. I'm sorry, but there are 300 people jockeying for space. No, I don’t want to take this outside, I just genuinely think that Affliction shirt is stylish.
The Drink Over-Orderer
"Complex syrup" isn't even a thing.
The Guy Reading an Extremely Thick Paperback Novel Who Is Seemingly Surprised Other People Are Talking Near Him
Everyone is extremely impressed that you can keep re-reading Ken Follett's surprisingly graphic sex scenes.
The Match.com Date
The awkwardness is palpable.
The OK Cupid Date
The awkwardness is palpable but they’re probably gonna have sex anyway.
The Girl Waiting for Her Tinder Date
The awkwardness is about to be palpable any minute once this dude gets done with his other Tinder date. Definitely having sex though.
The Bachelor Party
Why aren’t you in Vegas, you poors?
The Bachelorette Party
Why aren't you in Vegas, you... whoa, did that girl just show her boobs?
The Juke Box Overuser
Stop pumping in $20s just to play Jars of Clay's entire discography.
Is he even here with anyone? He hasn’t spoken in 45mins. Check his shoes for skirt mirrors.
The Girl Who Insists on Ordering Mojitos in an Extremely Crowded Beer Bar
Also, it's January, honey.
The Guy Who Hits on Every Girl at the Bar Strictly Because, Statistically Speaking, Eventually the Odds Will Start to Favor One of Them Saying Yes
Even if he usually doesn't get past, "Hey, girl".
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The Hot Girl Who Thinks She's Always Better than Any Bar
Why do you want to leave so badly? You will just hate the next bar too, remember?!?
The Coked-Out Guy
The Guy Who Insists on Drinking Whiskey Even Though He’s Terrible at It
Maybe a nice domestic, light beer is more your speed, sir.
The opposite of the terrible whiskey drinker. Possibly a replicant.
The Couple With a Baby
Sitters cost $10 an hour, and generally don't even spill beer on your baby.
The Weirdly Available Married Girl
How many "business trips" can one husband go on?
The “Cougar” Who's Actually Just a Sad Old Lady in a Tank Top
She's generally the one using the term “cougar”.
You are not Rick James, bitch.
Are they even playing anything? Can he hear us making fun of him? Wait. Is that Jars Of Clay?
The Drink Critic
It’s nice that you have a taste for craft beer. That doesn’t mean other people don't like Red Dog. Also, where did this bar get all this Red Dog?
Guy Who Pretends He Knows the Bartender When He Actually Just Kinda Met Her Once
She has no idea what "the usual" is.
Maybe you could've mentioned him in the previous 45mins of close-quarters grinding to "Ignition (Remix)".
The Guy with a Sandwich in a Bar with No Kitchen
Holy crap, that looks good. Is that a rueben? F%&! you, sandwich guy.
The Bartender Fangirl
We know what you did to get those free drinks.
He’s clearly uncomfortable with human interaction on anything less than a liter of Red Bull. Often friends with Guy Looking For A Fight.
Ironic Outfit Guy
Someone didn’t get enough attention as a child/teenager/college student/adult.
Barely-Holding-It-Together Emotional-Breakup Girl
No, don't freak out. We just asked if you were using that chair. HOW DOES THAT REMIND YOU OF HIM?!?!?
The Bartender Brown-Noser
He’s not impressed by your small-batch bourbon knowledge. He’s trapped in a small space and works for tips.
The Couple Both on Their Phones
They just favorited each others’ tweets. Totes adorbs. #doublehomicide
Sometimes taking care of business means changing clothes.
The Minor Local Celebrity
Just because you’re occasionally on TV to tell us there's a tractor trailer jackknifed on the [insert local major thoroughfare here] doesn’t mean I’m gonna buy you a Scotch you can't pronounce.
The Real-Estate Novelist
Only exists in Billy Joel songs.
The Acoustic Guitarist No One Asked for
If we wanted to hear "Your Body Is A Wonderland (Acoustic)", we would've just bought the car our college girlfriend owned in 2002.
The Gay Guy Who Grabs All the Girls' Boobs Just Because He Can
Look, he's running a goddamn comparison test!
The Girl Who Really Wants to Dance on the Bar When It’s Not That Kind of Bar
Please don't. You just knocked ov... oh man. You're really doing it, huh?
The Guy Who Really Shouldn’t Be Dancing
No matter what it seems like, people aren’t clearing out and giving you room to encourage you. And yes, we have seen "The Sprinkler" before.
The Weed-Vaporizer Guy Who Thinks He's Playing It Mad Low-Key
Aren't you supposed to be paranoid or something?
She only smokes when she drinks. Which is six nights a week, starting at 5p.
The Guy Who Knows Everything, But Doesn’t
He was even worse before smartphones were invented.
The Out-of-Place Old Couple
Wait. Mom? Uncle Steve?!
The Freelance Writer
We see you scribbling in your notepad. Your “great American novel” is probably just going to end up being a random observational post for some men’s interest website. Wait...