We go to bars to decompress. And because we live in the greatest country in the world, we're welcome to say whatever we want inside, whether it's a classy cocktail joint or a complete dive. But that doesn't mean you should say whatever you want, mainly because we live in the greatest country in the world, and you can get kicked out for being a prick. Or just socked in the eye.
It's time to scrub these phrases from your vocabulary forever.
"Can I get that beer on the rocks?" As soon as you finish that iced Chardonnay, you certainly may!
"Nom-Nom-Nom!" Unless you’re dyslexic and reading a poetry book of reggae lyrics, please reserve this baby talk for your follower-free Instagram account full of pictures of whatever you ate for lunch today.
"Hashtag..." Alright, dickhead. Time to leave.
"This doesn’t have enough alcohol in it." It’s probably a glass of water, not the gin and tonic you ordered three seconds ago.
"Can you please turn the music down?" If you prefer drinking in silence, go to the library. Somebody’s bound to have a flask, if you whisper-ask enough people.
"Let me use your bathroom real quick." May I also use all the napkins, leech off your Wi-Fi, and sit at the bar drinking water during happy hour?
"Don’t I recognize you from your OkCupid profile?" Because sitting alone in the photo booth just waiting for somebody to walk by wasn’t creeping out every chick at the bar quite enough.
"This school bus ain’t gonna drive itself..." (Editor’s note: This is never funny. Trust me. I say it a lot. Usually at 8am. After I've had a few.)
"This Manhattan is too boozy!" That's because it's full of booze, and you ordered it because you thought you were being classy. But hey, at least it’s not a Shirley Temple.
"Can I get a Shirley Temple?" There we go! And we’re guessing that cocktail’s not the only virginal thing at this bar.
"Fire!" Unless you’re following it up with “... ball shot”, then you’re just being a prick. And might get arrested.
"The doctor says I’m 98% hep-free... pass the peanuts." You’ll probably hover over that bowl of peanuts and use it to muffle your cough.
"Can you split that order between these 13 cards? Wait, sorry, different amounts!" Nothing says “fun night out” like a pissed off bartender forced into doing complex math problems.
"Change the channel! The WNBA's on ESPN tonight." Unless you’re Lisa Leslie, no. And if you are Lisa Leslie... can I buy you a Shirley Temple?
"I just want a bowl of cherries." It’s like ordering a salad, but for free, and with sugar/a bartender's ire instead of dressing.
"Can I get the rest of this drink to go?" You'd be surprised at the frequency with which this is asked.
"You’re waaaay hotter than my sister." Mom's gonna be pissed you forgot about her.
"I’m actually pretty well-known on Yelp." Translation: Please give me a free drink, because I don’t have any money, but I make up for it with an inflated sense of power.
"Where’s the hot bartender tonight?" She's on a romantic getaway at a Sandals resort in Jamaica with your Mom.
"I think this card has enough on it..." Dude. It’s a library card. And it has $.76 in overdue fines for Fifty Shades of Grey.
"Is there a place I can just pee outside?" Yes. It’s called your apartment. You should never have left.
"What’s the return policy on the condom machine?" Please write the company directly for any unintended consequences of opening Pandora’s Box.
"I’m glad you’re here... the other bartender always kicks me out." Translation: I'm going to do things later tonight that will make you kick me out of the bar.
"Lemme plug in my phone so I can play my music over these speakers." Only if it’s your band! Because we’re sure your subtle fusion of DMB, Smash Mouth, Digable Planets, and Jack Johnson will really get people going!
"There's another bar around the corner that's better." Go there. They’ll probably play your band.
"I liked this bar before it got popular." It became considerably less popular when you plopped down.
Andy Kryza is a senior editor on Thrillist's Food & Drink team. He owes his existence to a faulty Pandora's Box product. Follow him to a prompt scolding by his Mother via @apkryza.