"What’s the return policy on the condom machine?"
Please write the company directly for any unintended consequences of opening Pandora’s Box.
"I’m glad you’re here... the other bartender always kicks me out."
Translation: I'm going to do things later tonight that will make you kick me out of the bar.
"Lemme plug in my phone so I can play my music over these speakers."
Only if it’s your band! Because we’re sure your subtle fusion of DMB, Smash Mouth, Digable Planets, and Jack Johnson will really get people going!
"There's another bar around the corner that's better."
Go there. They’ll probably play your band.
"I liked this bar before it got popular."
It became considerably less popular when you plopped down.
Andy Kryza is a senior editor on Thrillist's Food & Drink team. He owes his existence to a faulty Pandora's Box product. Follow him to a prompt scolding by his Mother via @apkryza.