What Your Coffee Habits Say About You as an Employee
In terms of productivity, coffee is a double-edged sword: it gives employees the power to take on unrealistic deadlines, but it also gives Rick an excuse to spend 20 minutes talking to you in the break room about his Bachelor recaps.
Just like each of those doe-eyed prospective TV brides, every coffee drinker's habits are special in their own way, and give shocking insights into the drinker's work ethic. Read on to see if your coffee rituals imply you exceed expectations, or that you don't understand how to use reply-all.
One K-Cup in the morning
Just to be a good sport you volunteered for the company softball team even though you can't throw, catch, bat, or crouch comfortably. That mentality also fuels the consumption of one daily, symbolic "cup of joe," which is a phrase you like to throw around a few times in the first hour of the day with a joyless smile.
In today's digital age it's unclear how one can amass so much printed material on a physical desktop, but despite the leaning towers of paperwork, you function best under pressure. Or at least that's what you tell yourself to justify being constantly "swamped" and/or "drowning."
After-lunch coffee shop espresso
Some people function better when they can get out of the office and stretch their legs, which is a favorite saying of people who'd rather not be working. Unlike most slackers, you actually function much more productively with an out-of-office field trip a few times a week. Despite a fondness for the phrase "work-life balance," you rarely get home before 7. Very familiar with the least conspicuous ways to enter the office.
No coffee, only tea
You choose to get to work a little bit early in order to get a head start on the day, and also so you don't have to make small talk with anyone in the kitchen. You have a huge crush on Don from accounting, but he doesn't even know you exist.
Thermos brought from home
You brought your coffee in once with a clear objective of saving money, but then forgot the Thermos on your desk when you went home that night. It's still sitting where you left it. You're kind of afraid to open it now and might just throw the whole thing out.
One steaming-hot cup, cream and sugar, in a "World's Best Dad" mug
The one time you tried to send a reply-all GIF, you linked to it instead of dragging. You don't understand why coworkers won't pick up the damn phone, and keep a detailed flip Rolodex of contacts with little notes about their children, hometowns, and favorite sports teams.
Refills from the coffee pot throughout the day, black
Every day you fantasize about dramatically standing up from your rolling chair to announce that your songwriting career has taken off and you're through with this deadbeat telemarketing job and won’t see any of these drones ever again. Once your two weeks' notice is up.
Remote worker who reheats coffee in the microwave
You respect your employer much more than you respect yourself.
Loves team-building exercises.
Last cup of coffee scavenger
Despite working at the company for three and a half long years, you refuse to learn how to refill the coffee maker and have learned to subsist on half cups of tepid Folgers. The only blemish on your yearly review is that you could be more of a “self-starter."
Iced coffee, even in winter
You're a comedian at heart and reply-all is your stage. You hate warm drinks yet inexplicably love soup.
Recently quit coffee
You’re the worst for all these reasons and more, but your skin sure looks invigorated these days.
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