Some people say they don’t feel like themselves until they’ve had their morning coffee. Others have a much more concrete sense of self. But whether or not you acknowledge it, your coffee maker plays a crucial role in defining your identity.
Armed with three hours of cultural studies credits and experience meeting several types of coffee drinkers (of which there are exactly 29), we've mapped out exactly what your coffee maker says about you.
An old drip machine
Perhaps the last vestige of your college dorm room, this crusty coffee maker has followed you from house to house like a cursed videotape. Or HPV. You are a fan of the phrase “putting your pants on one leg at a time,” and those blue jeans are definitely not selvedge denim. You have a very informed opinion on your local pizza delivery options.
A newer drip machine
No hand-me-down appliances for you. You experiment with different coffees from the grocery store aisle. You are the last man on Earth with a newspaper subscription.
You keep a journal of every coffee you drink that you jokingly refer to as your little black book, like where you'd keep the phone numbers of the girls you're definitely not sleeping with. You dream of someday making another human coffee in the morning, but worry about how that would affect water ratios, and dread having to explain that you're making coffee and not preparing to enhance your maleness.
If you needed to survive in the woods for a week, you could... who are you kidding, you're way too old, you wouldn't last two days.
V60 pour over
You consider yourself a minimalist, except for your obscenely large collection of vinyl records and contemporary novels, which would probably include some leather-bound books if Anchorman quotes weren't so cliché at this point. You once owned a DVD of the unrated version of Old School, which you sold at a garage sale held with a group of friends who really needed to get rid of some of their vintage clothing.
You are a telecommuter, but would never use that word because you make apps and telecommuting is what your dad said he did after he got laid off. The lies put a serious chip on your shoulder, and are part of the reason why you work so hard porting proprietary mobile software to Android for the oil and gas industry.
You wear socks with sandals on a regular basis. Whether at home or in the workplace, you have a motivational poster somewhere in your life, and you've looked at it before and shrugged and said to yourself in a hushed whisper, “It's just work, Donald, come 5pm you'll be on your way home to some cable.” Also, your name is Donald.
At some point in your life you had an unhealthy relationship with a video game. You often drink coffee at irregular hours and are more interested in the effects than the taste. Your skill at Civilization II is the inverse of your skill at interacting in civilization.
Top-of-the-line Keurig 2.0 brewer
Your family is the most important thing in your life, so anything you can do to spend more time with them is worth it. Like booking Caribbean vacations in full-service resorts so all you have to worry about is the sound of those waves. You've looked up the Spanish translation of “another piñata colada please” on your iPhone. In terms of coffee, what you've done for your family is pay an extra $80 for a color LED display and a 10th variable brew size.
You have excellent taste in mid-century modern furniture and regularly use the word “lust” in relation to armoires.
A cheap tabletop espresso machine
Remember in “99 Problems” when Jay Z rapped about someone being loud as a motorbike, but wouldn't bust a grape in a fruit fight? That's you. Also, you have never tasted real espresso.
An expensive tabletop espresso machine
You were once a barista, but then you won the lottery.
You tell the best tales and sing the best songs of all your hobo friends, and once met Dwight Eisenhower back when you were a porter. Those were the days.