No matter how you feel about corporate globalization, Caramel Macchiatos, or easy listening indie rock, everyone ends up at a Starbucks at some point. Some people get their names terribly misspelled by baristas, others don't, but whether your cup is correctly labeled, the baristas are probably pretty accurate at using your order to label you.
So, based on years of ordering drinks, and one solid afternoon of people watching, we've compiled this list of 26 of the most common things ordered at Starbucks and what they say about the people who choose them. Watch your back, cheese plate-guy.
Hopsy Gives You Fresh Beer From the Tap in the Comfort of Your Own Home
Iced coffee Sometimes your forearms just start shaking uncontrollably. Weird!
Bag of whole beans You are quite proud of owning a coffee grinder. Or you will be quite frustrated when you get home.
Decaf grande It's unclear what makes you get up in the morning, in terms of both stimulants and general life motivation.
Espresso You've got work to do, and you want people to believe you are a coffee expert/Italian while you do it.
Turkey Rustico panini You either hate the sandwich shop across the street, or you were drinking espresso and need to keep the restroom in sight.
Vanilla Bean Frappuccino You're a 14yr-old girl. Please tell me you’re a 14yr-old girl.
Ethos brand water That triple-filtered tap water that they'll give you for free just doesn't have the same character. You like the philanthropic feeling that comes with purchasing water. You suffer from dry mouth.
Blueberry muffin You're just a regular everyday person who needs something to eat and went with the most sensible option. Just like yesterday. And the day before. I mean, it's not like you're eating cake for breakfast, right? RIGHT?!?
Caramel Macchiato Baristas at independent coffee shops really, really hate you because your love of caramel-flavored milk has forced them to define a macchiato every time someone orders it. You are curious as to what diabetes feels like.
Soy cappuccino You love foam, but not flavor. And you once read an article on lactose intolerance, and you think you might be lactose intolerant, but you don't really feel like actually getting tested.
Yogurt parfait You're mature enough to avoid a doughnut, but deluded enough to pretend this dessert is a healthy breakfast.
Peppermint Mocha You believed in Santa Claus wayyy longer than everyone else.
Coffee traveler You are apologizing to a group of people for making them wake up extra early and go somewhere stupid. Or you have serious, serious caffeine issues.
Evolution Fresh Super Green smoothie There's a good chance you do yoga and corner people at parties to talk about it.
The newspaper You spent 3mins reading the front page while standing in line and still bought the paper version of what the guy behind you is reading on his phone for free. You often talk about the world being too reliant on technology. You own a working fax machine.
Grande Americano You probably asked for a medium and were slightly confused when picking up your drink, but didn't say anything because you were afraid.
Toffee Nut Latte You are most likely wearing UGG boots, black spandex pants, and a college sweatshirt with the collar cut into a V.
The Postal Service's Give Up 10th anniversary edition CD You're nostalgic for the early aughts and have a tendency to borderline-scold people who don't know what "The District" is. You, like the district in the song, will sleep alone tonight.
Starbucks Reserve Aged Sumatra brewed on the Clover You are wearing the type of glasses that make you look like a movie director. You owned all the CDs for sale on the counter before they were popular. You wish Wes Anderson movies were books, so you could say you were reading them.
Hot tea with one teabag You’re just there for the free Internet, huh?
Hot tea with two teabags You feel slightly guilty that you’re just there for the free Internet.
Your coffee and the coffee for the person behind you in the drive-thru You once saw that movie Pay It Forward, and it changed your life forever. You also bought one of those Ethos waters and looked at yourself in the car mirror approvingly. You're having a great day.
Glazed doughnut You're dressed too formally to feel comfortable in a Dunkin' Donuts.
One pump sugar-free vanilla, one pump hazelnut, half-caf, no foam latte with soy milk You have no friends in real life and 35000 Instagram followers.
Venti dark roast You're a mysterious enigma, mostly because no one, including you, can figure out how you're going to drink 20oz of "bold" coffee.
The cheese plate Wait. There's a cheese plate?!
Dan Gentile is a staff writer on Thrillist's national food/drink team who recently purchased a very nice toaster oven and is excited about exploring the world of crispy reheated food. He also enjoys hating mustard. Follow him to pots of gold/Twitter at @Dannosphere.