You care DEEPLY what other people think, so much so that a silly article from two random Internet dudes is making you reconsider your favorite wine. Isn’t it? ISN’T IT?!
You like to do things big. Throw big parties, talk a big game, watch the remastered Blu-ray version of Big, all of it. Ironically, you’re also well-below average height.
Ten years ago, you went abroad to Australia, and it changed your life. You often interrupt people you think are Australian just to tell them about your experiences at “uni” and surfing in Coogee. More often than not, those people are from New Zealand.
You will furiously chastise anyone who makes a Sicilian Mafia joke just as quickly as you will get sucked into an all-day Godfather marathon on AMC.
You don’t even need the subtitles during the Sicilian scenes in The Godfather. Not that you have time to watch it, as you’re rereading The Divine Comedy in the original Italian. Dante remains as relevant as ever in our modern era, do you not concur?
For 2yrs in the mid-aughts, you backpacked around South America, submitting long-winded, weirdly personal travel essays to Lonely Planet and Matador Travel, even though most of the time, you just scrolled through pictures of your ex in the hostel’s Internet cafe.
Your three favorite things, in no particular order: the effortlessness with which you pull off the jeans & blazer look, a properly-cooked rib eye, and cheating on your significant other.
To be honest, you didn’t even realize you were drinking wine.
Kevin Alexander is Thrillist’s national food/drink executive editor, and used to drink Pinot Noir until Matt wrote that judgmental blurb. Follow him to Coogee Beach at @KAlexander03.
Matt Lynch is a senior editor at Thrillist, and once had some wine, he thinks. Follow his attempts to order cases of Spatburgunder at @MLynchChi.