What your favorite wine says about you

Since 6000BC, man has been making wine to partake in celebration, pair with food, or just sip while watching unspeakably sad things happen on The Good Wife. But what you may not realize, because you didn’t take an online psychology course, is that your wine of choice actually says ever so much about you. To wit:

white wine

You’re one of those people that actually uses the term “wine:30” unironically. You drive a red Volkswagen Beetle, with a fake flower in the cup holder, and love popular morning radio show duos, especially when they prank people, whom you generally find too uptight. These days, “wine:30” happens a little earlier than it used to.

Scion of the Rhineland, you sit quietly in wait, letting everyone squabble pettily, biding your time until the Fatherland might rise once more! That, or you just appreciate the versatility of a grape whose drier iterations can pair seamlessly with everything from sashimi to pork chops, while also being capable of a pleasing sweetness that lends itself to desserts. Really, it’s a coin flip.

Pinot Gris
In college, you tried out for the role of Mimi in your theater department’s production of Rent and were surprised to learn it was inspired by an opera. You didn’t get the part.

Pinot Grigio
In college, you tried out for the role of "girl in the senior dorm who always wears Juicy Couture sweatpants", and YOU GOT IT.

Sauvignon Blanc
The number of book clubs you have joined in your lifetime is greater than the number of books you actually completed for said clubs. You were thinking about going gluten-free, but then you were also thinking about life without Panera and you didn’t like what you saw. You find infomercials captivating.

Oh, how it brings you back to your carefree days after law school, traveling through the Loire Valley -- remember that amazing patisserie you stumbled upon? Truly that mille-feuille was food for the gods! Also, most of your friends kind of can’t stand you, but will begrudgingly admit you throw great dinner parties.

White Burgundy
Your father wanted you to go to Groton like the rest of the family, but you went to Exeter, because you’re your own person, dammit, and you wanted to make your own mark in this world, and didn’t want to just rely on your family’s connections, because then what type of a person would you be when you looked in the mirror? Currently, you’re a second-year associate at your father’s law firm.


Either you just finished starring in a rap video, or you’ve never seen a rap video.

White Zinfandel
You care little (okay, nothing) for trends or putting on airs, but you have a good heart and people generally like you. Cute animals figure prominently in your wardrobe. You like hugs.

Boxed wine
You’re a spendthrift. You tell people you find it needless to spend big money on things that are all going to the same place, when you think about it.  No one wants to think about it.

Boone’s Farm (any flavor)
Either you’ve been wrongfully accused of a sex crime or will be soon.

Whenever you’re out to lunch, and the waiter’s all, “What can I get you to drink?,” you look at your friend across the table with a very slight, sly smile, and say, “Actually, I think I’ll get a glass of Rose,” throwing “actually” in to make it seem like this isn’t an everyday occurrence. If the other person doesn’t partake, you end up quickly, sloppily switching your order to “iced tea, no lemon,” and refuse to bring it up the rest of the day. You also enjoy somewhat expensive hand soaps.

red wine

You LOVE the holidays, so much so that you exhibit a Leslie Knope-ian tendency to create your own. You are part of multiple party-planning committees at any given time. Sometimes you wonder if we’re all really just alone in this cruel world.

Red Burgundy
Your stepdad was moderately famous between the years of 1978-1981.

Studying abroad in Spain was a transformative experience for you, in the sense that it transformed you into someone incapable of making it through a meal at a tapas place without comparing every aspect unfavorably to your semester in Seville.

Everything was going great for you, and then Anthony Hopkins had to go and f*** everything up.

Everything was going great for you, and then Paul Giamatti had to go and f*** everything up.

‘Table wine’
You love a bargain. You know which generic brands at the grocery store you can reliably substitute with minimal loss in quality. You’re a decent tipper because society has conditioned you that way, but deep down you’d like to stiff people way more often.

Prison wine
You’re in prison. Hopefully.

pinot noir

Pinot Noir
You care DEEPLY what other people think, so much so that a silly article from two random Internet dudes is making you reconsider your favorite wine. Isn’t it? ISN’T IT?!

Cabernet Sauvignon
You like to do things big. Throw big parties, talk a big game, watch the remastered Blu-ray version of Big, all of it. Ironically, you’re also well-below average height.

Ten years ago, you went abroad to Australia, and it changed your life. You often interrupt people you think are Australian just to tell them about your experiences at “uni” and surfing in Coogee. More often than not, those people are from New Zealand.

You will furiously chastise anyone who makes a Sicilian Mafia joke just as quickly as you will get sucked into an all-day Godfather marathon on AMC.

You don’t even need the subtitles during the Sicilian scenes in The Godfather. Not that you have time to watch it, as you’re rereading The Divine Comedy in the original Italian. Dante remains as relevant as ever in our modern era, do you not concur?

For 2yrs in the mid-aughts, you backpacked around South America, submitting long-winded, weirdly personal travel essays to Lonely Planet and Matador Travel, even though most of the time, you just scrolled through pictures of your ex in the hostel’s Internet cafe.

Your three favorite things, in no particular order: the effortlessness with which you pull off the jeans & blazer look, a properly-cooked rib eye, and cheating on your significant other.

To be honest, you didn’t even realize you were drinking wine.

Kevin Alexander is Thrillist’s national food/drink executive editor, and used to drink Pinot Noir until Matt wrote that judgmental blurb. Follow him to Coogee Beach at @KAlexander03.

Matt Lynch is a senior editor at Thrillist, and once had some wine, he thinks. Follow his attempts to order cases of Spatburgunder at @MLynchChi.