I’m jealous of all the fun they’re having
I didn’t even realize how proletarian “normal” beer names were until I got to college. There, I figured out what “proletarian” meant, and also discovered how much fun IPA lingo truly is. I would love to impress my friends by drinking rad-sounding brews like the Epic Hop Zombie, and displaying the rad-looking bottles in my apartment like trophies. But I can’t stand what’s inside, so I’m left out from all the fun of fetishizing. If the beer aisle is Mean Girls, IPAs are the cool ones, and I’m the sexually aggressive mathlete who never gets to bed Lindsay Lohan.
This is unacceptable, and I’m going to do something about it. But before I do, I’m going to have a vodka-tonic -- the only drink refreshing enough to cleanse my palate after all this disgusting talk about IPAs.