There are nights you're ready to go home when the bar closes, and there are nights when you decide to bring the bar home with you and keep the party rocking 'til the break of dawn -- or even psychedelic jazzing 'til the break of dawn, if your apartment is located inside a 1960s movie. When you throw open your doors to everyone you know and everyone they know and a few people nobody knows, just watch out for these after-party misanthropes. Some of them are creepy, some are conniving, and all of them are actually in the place that you live.
More From Bring the Bar
The Cushion Flipper
You know when you spill something on somebody's couch and then instead of trying to clean it up using tonic water or whatever you flip the cushion over and hope nobody saw you and then a month later the owner of the couch flips the cushion over and says, "Son of a bitch!" Yeah, good times.
She was dragged to your after-party by her friends, but her friends are so lame! Are they even her friends? Wouldn't real friends have gotten her into the VIP after-party at Club Hotness? Simon Rex is supposed to be there! He's promoting a book or something!?
The Help Your Selfer (aka The Refriger Raider)
ARE YOU SERIOUSLY GOING TO OPEN UP MY REFRIGERATOR AND USE THE LAST OF MY BOAR'S HEAD BOLD CAJUN STYLE SMOKED OVEN ROASTED TURKEY BREAST TO MAKE YOURSELF A SANDWICH?
(To stop the above tragedy from happening, supply your bash with treats off our rundown of the most crowd-pleasingest after-party foods.)
The Book Clubber
You can learn a lot about a person by what they read. Which begs the question, why are you lurking by the bookshelf trying to learn a lot about a person in the middle of a party where other people are jumping up and down singing:
"No I'm not tryin' to be rude,
But hey pretty girl I'm feelin' you
The way you do the things you do
Remind me of my Lexus coup!"
Are you conducting some kind of psychological profile? Are you going to corner your host later and be all like, "I feel like I know you so well" even though you kinda haven't said more than three words to said host in your entire life? This is going to end weirdly.
Deer antler bottle openers are pretty cool but they're really not that expensive. If you can afford to wear clothes, you can afford to buy a deer antler bottle opener. Please don't take my deer antler bottle opener. Or my teddy. C'mon dude.
And Now a Brief Intermission to Introduce the Best Person at Your After-Party: The Giver
Even though this after-party was a spontaneously organized event, The Giver still shows up with enough beverages to compensate for the fact that you kind of forgot you didn’t have any beverages. The Giver’s most thoughtful option? Bud Light MIXXTAIL cocktails in a bottle, because hey, maybe you forgot to stock up on mixers too. When The Giver brings MIXXTAIL, even Bored Barbara is happy to be at your bash. Seriously look how happy she is! Check out Firewalker, Hurricane, and Long Island right here
You know how you don't care about any of the songs other people put on the jukebox, you only care about the songs you put on the jukebox? The Playlister's feeling that about your Spotify party mix right now. So she takes it upon herself to dial up her Spotify party mix, and when you look at her like, "WTF are you doing?" she says, "Don't worry, this mix is fire." But it is not fire. It is the wet blanket that puts out the fire. Especially if starts with "We Didn't Start the Fire."
First off, never touch another man's remote. Second off, everyone else is having a good time. If you're so bored that you'd rather watch Swamp People than join this game of Dirty Jenga that just broke out, go watch your own TV. Third off, even the swamp people would be more social at this party than you are, and would definitely be into playing Dirty Jenga.
When you saw them making out at the bar you were like, no big deal, that's what adults do. But now they're making out super-close to a picture of you and your mom at Lake Tahoe. You'd say "get a room," but there's only one bedroom and it's yours, though at least there aren't any pictures of your mom in there. No really there aren't, right?
The Coat Check Girl
You should be out there entertaining/making sure people don't steal your antique CD collection, but instead you're in here trying to reassure this person as she frantically digs through the same pile of coats again and again. It's as if her concern over losing her jacket were some sort of mystical force that could actually cause one of these not-lost jackets to transform into her jacket.
We've now officially entered the time of morning known as "after the after-party." You're ready to crash, but the Lingerer... lingers. When you offered to call this person an Uber, or a cab, or a pedicab if you live in Austin, all they said was, "No, that's cool" -- but it is not cool. How could anyone possibly still have things to talk about right now? Is she even talking or just making noises with her mouth? The terrifying thing is, this will not be the last guest to leave, because...
The Perfect Sleeper
You said "make yourself at home," but nobody really means that. He looks so peaceful you almost don't want to dump a glass of ice water on his head.