Lower Garden District is rocking tattoos and a killer haircut, but she pulls it all off without a hitch. She’s the lover your mother warned you about, but has an advanced degree in semiotics. Drink of choice: Hemingway daiquiri.
Her brother Upper Garden District is a little stodgy sometimes, but man, this guy has the kind of ageless class that means he’ll be handsome after he passes a hundred. Drink of choice: Old Fashioned.
The bouncer/barback goes by the name Irish Channel, and has been around the joint longer than anyone really knows. He might be a little bit of a meathead, but he comes by it honestly. If you need a ticket fixed, he knows a guy who knows a guy. Drink of choice: Bud Light.
Lakeshore/Lake Vista definitely owns a boat, maybe even lives on one, and will be happy to take you sailing so long as you follow his rules. Enjoys a good burger and loves to grill. Always wears shorts and Top-Siders. Drink of choice: Sam Adams on draft.
7th Ward/Treme is bawdy, beautiful, and ready to shake a leg. Always the first one on the dance floor. A few troubled relationships here and there, but bounces back and is stronger for it. Carries cash in her bra. Drink of choice: frozen daiquiri.
Old Metairie is a total fox, and often overlooked by the bros at the bar because she’s not acting like a silly teenager. Drink of choice: pinot grigio.
New Metairie just got off of work at the big-box store and wants a cold brewski before heading home to the family unit and ordering a pizza. Not the edgiest of guys, but also not a complete d-bag. He’ll agree to help you on your roofing project and then actually follow through. Drink of choice: Mich Ultra.
Bra on the ceiling fan, chugging directly from the bottle, about to wind up on WorldstarHipHop for attempting to twerk on the table and totally failing. Say hello to Fat City (Metairie). Drink of choice: ALL OF THEM.
This lady loves to tie one on, but she also knows your parents (and all of your parents’ friends), and has memories of you from when you were in second grade. Her name's Bucktown. She obviously knows her way around the kitchen, especially when it comes to seafood. Drink of choice: jungle juice in a go cup.
That one stretch of Airline Highway… is definitely a hooker. Possibly a cop. Don’t take a chance, either way. Drink of choice: nip from a flask.
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Scott Gold is a New Orleans writer who would happily listen to the French Quarter's war stories all night. Follow him at @ScottGold.