How to Turn the Olympic Closing Ceremony into a Drinking Game
What an Olympics, right? The 2018 winter games in Pyeongchang had stories that were inspiring like Gus Kenworthy competing through injury, stories that were shockingly impressive like Mirai Nagasu’s triple axel or the American women’s first ever medal in cross country skiing, and stories that were neither like the woman who scammed a spot on the Hungarian team. And now we’re coming to the closing ceremonies, bringing the winter games to an end until 2022 when they will begin again in Beijing. The good news, though, is that the closing ceremonies are going to be hosted on NBC by the sports commentary world’s sweethearts, Tara Lipinski and Johnny Weir (and also Terry Gannon, who really has done an entertaining job as the buttoned up foil to their Skate Eye for the Straight Guy style). If any two people can embrace turning the closing ceremony broadcast into a drinking game, they’re Weir and Lipinski. So stir yourself up a beverage and get ready to tune in at 8 p.m. eastern, 5 pacific.
Take a sip:
- Every time one of the commentators offers a “fun fact” about a country or its athletes
- Every time someone uses the word “first” to describe an athlete or their accomplishments
- For every minute you think it took Johnny to get his hair done
- Every time someone mentions North Korea and South Korea coming together for the games
- Every time someone is dressed inappropriately for the weather
- Every time a dancer is not in sync with the choreography
- Every time the commentators call someone who didn’t get a medal a “winner”
- Whenever a country enters the stadium with fewer athletes than there are people in your living room
- Every time someone mentions the weather
- Every time someone says the name “Tessa Virtue”
Take two sips:
- If any of the commentators is seen dancing during a K-pop medley
- If any of the commentators mispronounces someone’s name
- Every time fireworks go off
- If anyone mentions the fact that the joint Korean hockey team didn’t win any games
- Whenever anyone specifically mentions the wind
Take a shot:
- If Johnny is wearing something gold
- If the IOC lets the lazily euphemized Olympic Athletes from Russia march in the ceremonies, even though one of their curlers failed a drug test
- If any canoodling athletes appear on screen
Finish your drink:
- If any of the commentators top Katie Couric’s obvious desire to touch the oiled up body of everyone’s favorite Tongan, Pita Taufatofua