Remember that time in your life when you could barely sleep due to your excitement for gift-opening on Christmas morning? Surely you've still got that sense of wonderment, but instead of games and action figures, your desires lean boozier. So when the spiked eggnog has run dry, get to one of these 10 bars as fast as your legs can carry you while singing “all I want for Christmas is boooooooooze."
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Polish Hill You’re gonna have to put up with the Bing Crosby Christmas collection for the first nine hours of Christmas. But at 7pm, you can swim in the sweet sounds of anarchy (punk music, people) and drink straight through to 2am on Boxing Day.
South Side Nadine’s opens at 11am, so if your family’s anything like mine, you’ll be able to escape just before your adult sister insists on opening the first present and proceeds to bitch about it for the rest of the day.
South Side For those of you who plan on sneaking out before the rest of the family even wakes up, Jack’s welcomes you with flowing spigots of reasonably priced hooch starting at 7am. According to Jessica the bartender, Christmas is Jack’s “biggest day of the year,” which, depending on your outlook, is either great or devastating.
Bloomfield Sonny’s is one of the few bars in Pittsburgh open every day of the year, and it doesn't take Christmas lightly. Its anti-Christmas celebration kicks off at 11am with a huge spread of holiday food and is the ideal destination for loners, black sheep, and those who want an icy tallboy to match their icy heart.
Oakland If you’ve ever wanted to live out that scene from Lost in Translation where Bill Murray sings his woeful rendition of "More Than This," then this is your moment. There’s no day like Christmas to channel your melancholy. Pair with a shot of whiskey for true authenticity. Opens at 2pm.
Dormont South Hills residents, Apple Inn is accepting party bookings for Christmas Day. It'll be opening at 8pm to soothe your soul tortured by the 10,000 times you've heard Celine Dion's rendition of "O Holy Night" since before Thanksgiving.
South Side Described as having a “could give a shit” vibe, Dee’s has reasonable well drinks, comfy booths, and an older crowd of nicotine-saturated patrons serving as gentle reminders of the judgmental elders waiting for you back home. And while the pudding shots aren’t of the figgy variety, they get the job done. Opens at 7pm.
South Side Smiling = happy; happy = merry; moose = gigantic reindeer; reindeer = a Christmas thing. In conclusion, by way of the transitive property, Smiling Moose = merry Christmas. Holiday cheer commences at 7pm.
Swissvale Don’t worry, we didn’t forget about those of you trapped deep in Pittsburgh’s eastern suburbs this year. Pub in the Park has recently gone smoke-free, so as long as you stick to vodka, no one in your family will ever suspect you stepped foot in a bar. Opens at 7pm.
Bloomfield Take the 10 crisp $1 bills your aunt sent you for Christmas to Howlers and trade them in for five High Life pounders. Oh, holy night. Opens at 8pm.
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Julianna Bagwell is a freelance writer who can’t even take advantage of this list because she will be spending the holidays navigating a series of airports. So here’s to in-flight, layover, and jet-lagged drinking that will lead to a massive Christmas Day hangover. Follow her: @JuliannaLocal.