Every last one of us is a unique and special person… or at least that’s what we tell ourselves when we wake up from a night of plank shots to find a half-eaten Italian hoagie lying next to us. You chose to take those plank shots and consume that hoagie, which means you also get to choose your favorite bar. And if that go-to spot of yours happens to be in our selection of 23 Pittsburgh bars, we’ve taken the liberty of unfairly categorizing you based on that choice.
If there were such a thing as a PBR IV drip, you would totally have one.
No matter who you are, you’ve most likely come to Kelly’s for its amazing happy hour or that deep corner booth. Or you have the happiest stomach ache of your life from ordering the 40oz of fromage: a gargantuan serving of oven-baked mac & cheese for $20.
Sweaty moshing is your favorite.
As one of the few bars in Pittsburgh that consistently hosts shows, Howlers is home to a rotating crowd of metal heads, punk rock karaoke enthusiasts, and casual tattoo-adorned beer drinkers. If you find yourself at Howlers you may also be a people watcher/chain smoker.
You like to drink but you like eating fancy burgers even more. You might also have a mustache and refer to yourself as a “cocktail connoisseur.”
You’d like to think you’re a Prohibition-era bar patron while sippin’ on an old-fashioned and listening to 1920s piano music. But you’re most likely a 9-5er taking selfies in business casual wear.
If you frequent Gooski’s, you like being bathed in red light, eating piping-hot pierogies, and playing songs on the best jukebox in town.
If you find yourself at Armand’s, it’s likely that you’re watching a Pens game or having a quiet argument with your Magic: The Gathering opponents.
You love themed whiskey flights and being surrounded by dark wood.
You like to watch a slew of hipsters, yinzers, and senior citizens get into some emotional karaoke. Or maybe you’re one of the aforementioned crooners and it’s about to get real deep in here with your soulful rendition of Meat Loaf’s “I’d Do Anything for Love.”
Pittsburgh’s premiere/only Champagne bar with an enforced dress code that includes the phrase “sartorially elegant.” If you spend any substantial amount of time at Perlé, you might be a self-described cougar.
You’re most likely a member of the service industry who’s in a very serious game of pool at the moment or you’re the bartender and you’re devastatingly hungover.
You’re a girl in booty shorts and a Steelers jersey. You really dig salami, egg, and cheese sandwiches.
You just got out of a late showing at The Hollywood and this is your only option. You’re really into flaming shots or you’re on the worst date of your life.
You eat your pierogies with gusto and believe reasonably priced Polish food is the only dining option.
You’re a grandparent or an adult grandchild being taken out for a reasonable dinner by your grandparents. You’ve probably witnessed your grandma get a little bit too indulgent and talk about her former conquests while grandpa uses the restroom.
You’re a simple man who wants nothing more than a Yuengling, some greasy food, and a waitress who will gaze at you with complete indifference.
You’re a Google employee who doesn’t care where they spend their money. There’s also a good chance that you have an LA Fitness gym membership.
You’ve been coming here since the bar opened in 1941 to partake in the eating of the best fish sandwiches in Pittsburgh and you enjoy being in the company of classy old dudes, much like yourself.
You’re either a regular who loves downing cheap drinks on a big porch or you’re one of the many upper-middle-class Shadyside residents who have mistakenly wandered into the closest thing your neighborhood has to a dive bar only to be greeted by an A/C blast of urinal cake odor.