"I carry on with closing the store until about half an hour later when the cops show up. They say a call was made from our number to a number that was under indictment -- so basically this guy used our phone to call his dealer and the cops were onto it. I just smoked a bowl in the back and was freaking out because I couldn’t remember if I put it away or not -- this was back before it was legalized. I told them about the shady dude who used the phone, and luckily they believed me after I described him. I guess they’d seen him lurking around Pioneer Square earlier, so I assume they just went back there and nabbed him." - Keith, Downtown
The mystery of the $2 bills
"The store I used to work at was pretty close to a church that had AA meetings, so we’d get a small rush of that crowd every now and then before the meetings. Our boss was on vacation and forgot to stock us up on change, so we put up a sign asking for small bills. One of our regulars was a dancer at a popular club that’s known for stocking their ATM and bar with $2’s, and she offered to sell us a bunch one day. A lot of customers got weirded out when I handed them a stack of $2’s as change, for obvious reasons, I guess, so I started sandwiching them between other bills so they wouldn’t notice unless they counted. One of the AA guys came in for a small coffee, paid with a $20, and I jammed a bunch of the $2’s between a pair of fives. He walked off and that was that.
"The thing with regulars is that you don’t really miss them when they’re gone until you see them a while later and wonder where they’ve been. Well, I ran into the guy at a strip club a few months after that, and he was not in good shape. I asked him why I hadn’t seen him at the shop anymore, and he told me his girlfriend lost her mind when she found a bunch of $2’s in his wallet one night. He said he couldn’t remember where they came from, but she assumed they came from a strip club. He then took them to a strip club and got 'biblically shitfaced,' as he put it. I offered to give him a ride home right then and there, but his turn for a lap dance was up so he walked off with a stripper and I have not seen the guy since then." - Karen, North Portland
Absolutely not the next foodie trend
"As goes the neighborhood, I’ve watched my shop get overrun with the kind bougie new-age people that make shopping at Whole Foods the most painful experience ever. This one regular would always come in and ask us about the nit-pickiest details of our food -- whether or not the tomatoes in the soup were organic, the washing method of our single origin beans -- and obviously this woman was gluten-free for no good reason. It turns out she was pregnant for most of the time when I first started noticing her, because she resurfaced a month later with a baby strapped to her chest in some kind of handmade sash she bought for $200 off Etsy. This woman was always bugging us about our alternative milks, none of which were up to her standards.