DC is a company town. But instead of running on sheer capitalism (cough New York cough), this place makes its living on promises and pomade. For the next few months, instead of engaging in all of the ubiquitous debates about some bullshit candidate or policy, try keeping your dignity instead: grab your friends, head to the nearest bar, and drown your idealism in your dealer's choice: beer, wine, spirits (we guess you could adjust the rules for weed, too, now that that’s cool here). Come on, it’s better than going to a CrossFit class, or some other adult cult.
Every time you’re just trying to throw down at ChurchKey, but your buzz gets killed by some jerk opining all over the bar about who has better foreign policy experi-ZZZZZZ...
Every time you claim you’re going to move to Cuba if your candidate loses, but you won’t even cross the river for a really good Tinder match
If you fantasize about wearing your Notorious RBG shirt to a confirmation party at the Swedish Embassy
Whenever you overhear some jackass at Fox & Hound quoting something you wrote on DCist’s comments section verbatim
If you’re in the bathroom, your stall is out of TP, and the person in the next one won’t hand you any until you tell them who you’re voting for
When you wanna get that desk off Craigslist in Manassas, but the ad has the other candidate’s slogan in the images, so you start questioning whether or not you can really handle the interaction in your free time
If you’re changing your naked selfie game solely to pictures of presidential candidates until after the election
If you’re at at Ivy & Coney for the authentic feel, but will only go back to Cleveland during the holidays
When you hear someone talking about making America great again, and you just want to counter with, "UberEATS exists, come on!"
Every time you get a call from your parents during a debate and they’re pushing that lizard person craziness
If you find yourself actually considering your partner’s third-party choice
If your date at the Tune Inn is wearing pleated pants and is under 45
Every time you get in the bathroom line at garden district and want to pull a Ben Carson and knife everyone just to get to the front
When you find yourself at Red Derby quoting John Oliver like your aunt quotes Deuteronomy
The moment you realize you don’t know who’s running for Congress, and have to recognize that, like most of America, you’re really a one-issue idiot
Every time you hear someone at The Greene Turtle referring to The Art of the Deal like it’s Proust
If you support Bernie, but ride Uber
If you’re at The Big Board and someone has clearly just had the thought, "You know, I’ve never actually vomited on the X2... I need to change that."
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Julien Williams goes by Jules because most people spell his name slightly wrong. You can follow him on Twitter at JulesWasJulien and Google+ at Julien Williams.