Recently an AskReddit thread asked the question: if the United States were a bar, what would each state be doing and/or drinking? Well, let’s pretend that DC neighborhoods are people with a proclivity for drinking (not that far-fetched) and find out what everyone would be up to...
Adams Morgan is either pounding Jell-O shots, Millie & Al’s style, or drinking a fancy bottle of rosé -- Domaine Tempier Bandol rosé to be exact... or maybe, wait, is Adams Morgan taking the Jell-O shots and chasing them with swigs of wine? Yep, that's it.
Arlington is not from here, but Arlington is amped up and happy just to be here! Arlington is also two RBVs (Red Bull vodkas) in and trying to score with Dupont Circle. But it doesn’t look like Arlington is getting very far. Looks like another long and lonely solo ride back to Northern Virginia.
Bloomingdale is a man of simple needs: Natty Boh and a shot of Old Crow, please. Everyone respects Bloomingdale for playing some Chuck Brown on the jukebox.
For some reason, Capitol Hill thought there was stroller parking out front.
H Street decided to skip the bars tonight. Instead there’s this cool house party with keg beer.
Georgetown was invited but says it probably won’t go because it’s too far.
Trinidad is straight-up brown-bagging it on the corner.
Shaw won't stop asking everyone if they've been to that pour-over coffee shop that just started a nightly cocktail program. Because Shaw has. Like, a bunch. It kind of knows the owner. No big deal.
Columbia Heights has decided it’s too cool for this bar, so it is pestering its "cool" friends (Shaw and Bloomingdale) to head to a cash-only dive* bar.
*Note: This bar is not a dive bar. It’s a bar that just opened six months ago and is trying to act intentionally divey.
U Street can only scream one thing, on repeat: FIREBALL! Someone order U Street a water, please.
Petworth wishes it was hanging out with Columbia Heights tonight, but instead it's stuck babysitting U Street. It’s 11:30pm U Street! Stop slurring your words!
Eckington decided the bar was too crowded and left to drink on its back porch instead.
Mt. Pleasant also left, wanting nothing to do with Columbia Heights, opting instead for some couch action with a side of Netflix and some Trader Joe's malbec.
Glover Park is a no-show... again. Someone check the backyard of Town Hall... or Mason... again.
Friendship Heights demands an Old Fashioned and talks about the good old days of three-martini lunches. Just nod and smile because Friendship Heights will probably get the next round if you do.
Wait, did Georgetown really just show up an hour late? In seersucker? Can someone please tell Georgetown that it’s after Labor Day.
Chevy Chase really wanted to come, but is instead hosting a black tie-optional dinner party for eight in the backyard. Okay, that's a lie. Chevy Chase didn't really want to come.
Brookland won't stop talking about mortgage rates and weekend trips to Home Depot.
No one has ever met Takoma before. Ever.
Tenleytown closed out and paid for the tab an hour ago. The babysitter could only watch the kids until midnight.
Anacostia posted up early and plans on closing down the bar. Is that a dance floor? It's about to be.
Cleveland Park is on the third stop of a craft cocktail crawl.
Foggy Bottom pre-gamed a little too hard tonight and keeps repeating the same story from "that one night at McFadden's" in between drink spills.
West End is overdressed and unable to understand why this place doesn't have bottle service.
Dupont Circle just ran into Logan Circle. It’s been almost six months since the two broke it off. Suddenly, Dupont Circle turns to U Street and orders two shots... wait a minute, is Dupont Circle going home with U Street?
Eastern Market woke up at like 6am this morning, went on a run, visited the farmers' market, and made a fresh salad for dinner. Eastern Market is now loudly announcing it's going to be "bad" and drink a single gluten-free beer.
It took Chinatown two hours to pick out the right dress tonight. But damn Chinatown is looking good. Is that her third or fifth vanilla Stoli?
Navy Yard is drinking an aged sour with Brettanomyces. Only Logan Circle understands what this means.
Logan Circle decided to skip the bar tonight because #bottomlessbrunch.
Woodley Park is in the corner by himself plowing through a $45 bottle of cab sauv.
Woah, woah, woah. Southwest Waterfront is here? Didn't Southwest Waterfront move back to New York?
14th Street can’t stop Instagramming the shit out of this bar.
NoMa is sipping on a vodka soda and trying to convince Chinatown and West End that it's time to hit the club.
Hillcrest brought along its dog for some reason.
Van Ness is on its third pitcher and preparing to board the Red Line in the wrong direction.
Woodridge is still on the G8 bus. He'll be there in five minutes! (He will be there in 45 minutes.)
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Tim Ebner is a food and travel writer based in Washington, DC and writes for Eater, Edible, Washington City Paper, and Forbes Travel. Follow him to the next bar on Twitter: @TimEbner.