Rogue States

The faster the rate of production, the harder it is to achieve quality -- sure, Two and a Half Men's sexual innuendos are clever, but if the writers weren't shackled to a brutal weekly schedule, they could turn out straight up erotic poetry. For gourmet burgers without the gourmet wait, hit up Rogue States.

Hoping to open by Monday, States is the rebellious brainchild of Lima's former chef, who's set up shop in a concrete-and-wood, counter-order mess hall serving up wildly imaginative burgers as fast as any fast-food chain, except possibly Cheeburger Cheeburger, which ha totally eliminated the time-ucking uage of the letter "s". All seven burgers start as 1/2-pound patties from a single animal/muscle (no E. Coli-risking scrap-mixing), which are then spiced (pre-cooking) each according to their own recipe, and low-flamed on an industrial, actual wood-burning grill according to your preference of "pink or no pink", though no matter how rare you like it, you might find it revolting to put your lips anywhere near Pink. Internationally inspired standouts include the soy sauce/green onion/ginger/toasted sesame seed "Now & Zen", the house curry blend/onion/hot chilies "Curried Away", and the red onion/habanero "No Burger, No Cry", so generously doused with house jerk sauce, you'll feel like you're noshing in a government yard in Drench-town.

Because God loves you, States is staying open until 5am every night, and is also the exclusive restaurant carrier of 4 tap beers from Fredericksburg's Blue & Gray brewery; hopefully, an attractive woman will walk in as you're drinking one, prompting you to say, "I'd tap that", and then your buddy to say, "She'd leave you with blue something", and then bam! You're a successful TV writer.