Ron Jeremy's Guide To The Valley

On the eve of the DVD release of his R-rated (yet nudity-strewn) horror comedy "One Eyed Monster", we asked adult film layabout Ron Jeremy where you should hit if you find yourself in the netherworld he's plied his trade in for decades:

Best Pizza: D'Amores 12910 Magnolia Blvd, Van Nuys; 818.505.1111 "Tiny place, big service and amazing zah", says Ron of this thin-crust shop, which ships water in from Massachusetts to achieve its unique flavor, which frankly, is just pizzare. The menus are at

Best Ethnic Food: Brent's Delicatessen19565 Parthenia St, Northridge; 818.886.5979 This longtime standby's known for Jewish favorites like whitefish salad and matzo ball soup, though Ron's got his own favorite: "I know a little something about hot tongue, and they serve it up". (Catch Ron at the Comedy Store every other never.) Stuff your face at

Best Nice Meal:Miceli's3655 Cahuenga Blvd West, Universal City; 323.851.3344 "It's got amazingly phenomenal Italian food and the waiters sing; they hire waiters who are actually really good singers", killing your longtime dream of having Scott Stapp bring you some Veal Scallopini. Sing for your supper at

Best Happy Hour:Clipper Club Lounge at The Airtel Plaza7277 Valjean Ave, Van Nuys; 818.997.7676 "Lotta great hors d'ouvres, and reasonably priced drinks", from 4-7 Mon-Fri at this hotel bar, which serves patrons and crew from the commercial-plane-free Van Nuys Airport -- where amateur pilots get their courage up. Happy hour's got $2 off beer and wine and $3 off cocktails; check it all out at

Best place to take a "regular girl":Saddle Peak Lodge419 Cold Canyon Rd, Calabasas; 818.222.3888 "It's got a very romantic vibe there, but do NOT bring your date if she's a vegetarian. Of course, if you love the Lodge [and therefore need to break up], you can always drop her using my favorite excuse: 'It's not you, it's meat'". Stay classy at Best "Hidden Secret":Sushi Don4816 Laurel Canyon Blvd, Studio City; 818.762.8720 From the Sasabune sushi master comes this tiny strip-mall rawfishery, with "the exact same fish but for a lot less money". (Insert gross Ron Jeremy joke here.) The menus are at

Best place to have sex: "If you wanna get really kinky, and you're on Topanga Canyon, go towards Santa Suzanna Pass, go down about a mile, and there's a ranch there where Charles Manson used to hang out. There's an electricity in the air where those idiots used to live, and have sex all the time. So take a girl there, get all nasty and dirty, and say, 'Let's do it Charles Manson's way'". Yes, that sexy Charles Manson way everyone romanticizes.