All-you-can-eat ribs, wings, and dogs

This year, instead of going to your stepdad's house to watch ads while snacking on his signature "I sleep in the same room as your mother even if that freaks you out" charcuterie plate, hit up South Street Diner for their all-you-can-eat Super Bowl buffet that changes every quarter -- something you might need to do too unless you always wear a bib. This is a beer. Buying said beer ensures you a place at the unlimited buffet table. Plus, you like beer, so this is kind of a win-win. Prior to kick off: While you stand around making small talk about Greg Comella playing the last time the Ravens were in the Super Bowl, classily scarf a bazillion shrimp cocktails. Or hummus, if you're into that. 1st Quarter: Hopefully the Niners are up 45-0 while you take down 42 spicy wings and eleventy of these hot dogs. 2nd Quarter: Ideally, the Niners are now up 96-3 and Phil Simms has been put on mute for the rest of the game. You, on the other hand, are free to scream ecstatically while towning 32 orders of ribs, plus at least 11 meatballs. Halftime: Beyonce performs, and while everyone holds their breath to see if Justin Timberlake sneaks up behind her and reveals her boob, you crush 19 pieces of pizza and tweet something hilarious that's both timely and clever. Second Half: Now that the Niners are safely ahead 243-3, and Ray Lewis is crying but not in the good way that he thinks he'll be crying, you should celebrate with 16 bricks of this delicious blueberry pie, plus all the football cupcakes and chocolate-dipped pound cake you can safely handle without freaking out.