Look, I know you think I'm crazy already after reading the headline -- my boyfriend, who's an In-N-Out cheerleader, sort of considers this a dealbreaker -- but I don't care: I hate In-N-Out. Everything about it is terrible, but especially these things:
This place looks like it's a bed pan away from being a hospital, which's fitting, since there's never any seating and I'm surrounded by people eating the blandest meal of their lives.
This might sound crazy, but couldn't there just be one item on the menu called "The Burger", and you can either add cheese or a second patty? And if you wanna stick to this three burger thing and you're not gonna ask me if I want cheese or a second patty, why are you asking me if I want onions? Why not have all of the onion variations listed on the menu, too? HUH??
The "secret" menu
Ugh, yes, I know about Animal Style. It's pickles and mustard and grilled onions, and -- worst of all -- extra Thousand Island dressing. Have you ever ordered Thousand Island dressing? No, you haven't, because unless you're at In-N-Out, NO ONE LIKES THOUSAND ISLAND DRESSING. Seriously, this is so stupid.
They say it's "Made from Real Sponge Dough." What the hell is real sponge dough? Also: a sponge soaks stuff up and then fluffs right back up. After the first bite, the sponge bun ends up deflated and flat -- and don't even get me started on the "toasted" aspect: it's uneven, not buttery enough, or TOO buttery depending on the bite. It's the most confused bun I've ever sunk my teeth into.
It's iceberg lettuce. Literally the most tasteless ingredient known to man. You people treat it like it's some sort of second coming of lettuce Jesus.
Or, as I call it "bright yellow pliable plastic seasoned with salt, salt, and some more salt. And then some more salt."
Listen, I'm obsessed with red meat: my doctor just ordered me to limit my consumption. But an In-N-Out patty barely qualifies as red meat. Isn't meat supposed to be juicy and savory? In-N-Out's patty is neither of these things.
Anyone who says they prefer the soggy, undercooked, flaccid In-N-Out fries to, say, McDonald's, or Five Guys', or Wendy's, or the freezer aisle at Ralphs, or a lunchroom cafeteria, or LITERALLY ANY OTHER FRIES EVER, is someone who clearly has been brainwashed. And don't even tell me I have to order them well-done: so now you're hitting me with OVERCOOKED tasteless fries? Thanks. I'll pass.
And no, I'm not anti-religion -- my mom's a devout Catholic, and I love her very much, and if that gets you through the day, more power. But here's the thing: I don't need my religion from a soda cup. Do they really think that's going to convert people? You'd have better luck with putting a cross outside every location... oh. Yeah. You do that too. And don't even get me started on the most horrifying part of this: are they suggesting that Heaven is filled with In-N-Out burgers?? Heaven is the worst.
The wait time
First you need to wait in line to order your not-in-any-way-fast food. Then you need to wait BY the line for -- oh, let's say at least 15 minutes -- before there's even a chance you'll get your not-in-any-way-fast food. And if you're in the drive-thru line, it's somehow takes even longer. Hear that sound? That's you polluting the environment, running out of gas, and slowly growing older and dying while you wait for a mediocre burger. Well done.
You -- yes, you
Not only is the food disappointing, but I'm sick of all of you crazy people who insist it's the second coming, like this couple who WENT THERE ON THEIR WEDDING NIGHT. While you waste your time, your money, and your waistband on this dreck, I'll be over here, ripping into a steak, and laughing. Hard.
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Claudia Gonzalez has been dating the In-N-Out-loving editor of Thrillist LA for years. They'll be sleeping in separate beds tonight. You can yell at her on Twitter and Instagram.