Montreal's steakhouses are pretty freaking good, and not just because their delicious cows can moo in two languages -- the intense competition amongst the town's beeferies has produced world-beating restos, and now-classic cow-cut seasonings too, so we nobly took on the bewildering challenge of power-ranking La Belle Ville's steak spots. Behold!
This Pizza Is Covered in Fish Jerky
6. Le Milsa Centre-Ville If you’re the type of person who likes to have meat sweats for days, then welcome to Le Milsa. At this traditional Brazilian-style meat buffet, huge portions of charcoal-grilled rib steak, along with nine other types of meat, are brought to your table on giant skewers and sliced up in front of you. And no, those aren’t meat-induced hallucinations, there really are incredibly good-looking dancers samba-ing around the restaurant willy-nilly.
5. JoBlo Restaurant Steakhouse Verdun Like it’s name, JoBlo’s undoubtedly the greatest Montreal steakhouse that no one but foodies and meatatarians knows about. Their menu names may be annoyingly silly, but the dishes themselves are stupid good. Order their fresh-cut 16oz AAA Angus rib steak (called "The Mobster”), then chase it down with their “Cup o’Bloody” Caesar that comes topped with jumbo shrimp, celery, asparagus, olives, and a mini burger, then call your physician and tell them what you just did.
4. Le Queue de Cheval Centre-Ville This place ain’t for the faint of heart, and we’re not even talking about the steak yet. If you’re a penny-pinching bastard, then read no further. But if you’re the kind of swanky bastard who likes to drop some serious cash on a decadent dinner-orgy, listen up. Le Queue de Cheval is the real deal, “I really made it” exclusive man-cave kind of steakhouse experience where after you splurge on one of their dry-aged steaks, you’d be wrong to do anything but smoke a full-bodied Cuban cigar for dessert.
3. Gibby’s Steakhouse Old Montreal Set in a 200yr-old stable, which lends itself to an old-timey ambience that’ll make you feel like a regular OG, this is how things go down at Gibbys: after complimentary pickles, ‘slaw, bread, potatoes, and the famous Gibby’s salad that even meatatarians devour, you’re brought a lemon sorbet to cleanse your palate. With your remarkably cleansed palate, you taste the hell out their famous ribeye steak, and you realize why the resto has been doing business for 30yrs.
2. Joe Beef Griffintown Their chalkboard menu may be ever-changing, but the quality of the beefy steaks served up by the culinary bosses behind Joe Beef is always above-par. Their soft and fatty steaks, often served in the pan they’re cooked in, may come wrapped in bacon, served with scallops, or swimming in gravy, but no matter how it’s wrapped, Joe Beef’s beef (almost) is the greatest gift you could ever give to your mouth.
1. Moishes Steakhouse Plateau Named by Forbes magazine as one of the top-10 steakhouses in the world, this 75yr-old-and-counting Montreal institution is basically the godfather of all Belle-Ville beeferies. Somehow, despite offering a $20,000 bottle of wine on their iPad wine list, Moishes is about as far from haughty as you can get. Accompanied by a complimentary plate of pickles, coleslaw, and hot bread, their thick, unembellished slab of steak will be one of the best you’ve ever had.