With Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and other social media innovations, we, as a species, have reached a brave new world of connectivity that our ancestors could never have imagined... and we're using it to share pictures of every single thing we eat, talk like babies, and lazily advocate for better diets! Huzzah mankind -- it truly is a brave new world! Now stop doing all of these things immediately.
"Nom nom nom"
Unless you're a dyslexic trying to transcribe reggae lyrics, you need to stop using this baby talk right now. Use your words. If you're excited about dinner, say you're excited about dinner.
You know who you are. The minute you see the word "bacon" on somebody's newsfeed, you decide to go off on a tirade about the evils of the meat industry under the pretense that self-aggrandizing pulpit speeches are the way to sway people. We were talking about Footloose, jackass. Maybe a better way to change the world is to, you know, leave the computer and do something.
Posting pictures of every single thing you eat
Oh, awesome! You went out to dinner and ordered a sandwich. It looks like the same one you had for lunch. None of us have since decided to give a sh** about what you're eating on the daily, so unless you went to a restaurant that served you a full stegosaurus, save that one for your fooding scrapbook.
Checking in everywhere
The greatest stalking invention since bushes and a camera, the check-in function lets everyone know what bar or restaurant you're kicking it at. When you check in everywhere, you either look like a lush or a glutton. Or somebody who can't just call friends and ask them to come hang out. Or somebody who really wants his stalker ex to show up.
Posting pictures of empty plates
You ate like a big boy! Well played! The only thing more annoying than a boring shot of a full plate is a shot of one smeared in sauce. Unless you're working as a dishwasher and just want people to know what you're up to, knock it off.
Posting like you're Julia Child
Did you manage to make a turducken smothered in foie gras and a glaze of berries picked from the top of a mountain? By all means, post a pic of that immediately. Otherwise, nobody cares about the "gourmet PB&J" you made for your kid for lunch. Including the kid… he's still mad you didn't hack off the crusts.
Believing that having a keyboard makes you a valid food critic
Seriously, if you like something you ate, say you like it. If you didn't, say that. But don't unleash your amateur critiques upon the world, where you misuse and misspell words like "palate", "discernible", and "aperitif". Most food writers aren't even qualified to do this (see the byline up top).
#Seriously? #Areyouunawareof #howthesework? Because when you're like "I #atea #greatmealtoday", you seem like you just have keyboard tourettes. #knockitoff.
"Liking" stupid crap, then inviting other people to do the same
Look, we're all for getting $1 off a Big Mac by liking McDonald's, but then you have to sell us all out by recommending we like McDonald's too, thereby subjecting us to an endless, targeted campaign by Mac's. But that Big Mac was delicious, so there's that.
Feet + Cocktail
We get it. You're sitting by a pool in Mexico drinking a Mai Tai. Or champagne in a limo. Good for you. We're in the office. And we don't really need a picture of your bunions and flip-flops to help us forget that. Maybe hash tag #quentintarantino if you really want that kind of attention.