As Abraham Lincoln once said, "Salads: man, do they suck." And he, of course, was being quite honest. But in the many scores of years since his passing, some of the culinary world's most devious thinkers have managed to undermine even the timeless bed-of-lettuce scourge. Their moves range from removing the leaves altogether, to obscuring them with bacon, to involving many, many Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Enjoy. Seriously -- do whatever it takes to get/make these things, and enjoy them immediately
The Best Wedge Ever You know and love the wedge, but you'll know and love it even harder if you have this version created by NYC steakhouse Desmond's, which loads half a head up with award-winning Berkshire blue cheese dressing, very literal fistfuls of applewood bacon, roasted tomatoes, and toasted walnuts
Deep-Fried Salad If they can do it to Snickers, they can do it to salad. This smart person created the Deep-Fried Salad, and it's bursting with lettuce, cukes, beets, and... fried-ness.
Pizza Persona's Pizza Salad Pizza Persona in Chicago will take your lame salad and make it beautiful by dumping it into a bowl made of pizza, which begs the question: why aren't all bowls made out of pizza? (Note: that question is doubly troubling for stoners.
Epic Meal Time's Meat Salad Meat on meat on meat. The dudes from Epic Meal Time created what may be the ultimate carnivorous salad, so if you haven't seen this one yet/tried it at home, do both now
Buzzfeed's Candy Salad Amongst all these totally bonkers salads, Buzzfeed's Candy Salad is the only one on the list that could have actual Bonkers in it
Fish Bar's Bacon & Egg Salad with Tater Tots This one could even fool fat kids. Fish Bar in Chi-town's Bacon & Egg salad, loads tots onto what's basically a totally deadly version of frisee aux lardons with apple-smoked bacon and a soft-boiled egg. And those tots
Pok Pok's Da Chom Laap Meuang Salad Photo by Brooklyn ExposedNY and PDX's Pok Pok does a "salad" that's actually pretty much entirely ground pork. It's called the Da Chom Laap Meuang, and it's also sprinkled with cracklings, herbs, spices, garlic, and crispy fried shallots
Bird of Smithfield's Pork Cheek & Cracklings Salad Yes, this bad boy from Bird of Smithfield in London has pork cheeks with cracklings and bacon -- but look, it's also got flowers. Salad. Done
Cheeseburger Salad Slater's 50/50 If you thought you couldn't make a salad out of a cheeseburger, you'd be wrong
Hot Dog Salad Don't worry, tubesteak fans: you're covered as well
Fatty Crab's Pork Belly Fruit Salad Fruit salad must be repped as well, and NY's Fatty Crab does a great job with pickled watermelon, sweet ginger, and big old bits of crispy pork belly
Taco Bell's Fiesta Taco Salad We're not even technically counting this one. But just THINK about if Taco Bell made this with a Cool Ranch shell. Seriously, please steal that idea, Taco Bell.