Everyone gets it for cookouts
Now at this point, you’re probably wondering: Gee Dave, if you hate American cheese so much, why don’t you just avoid it? Oh, I do, mon chouchou. You will never see me order a cheeseburger burdened by that foul slab. But American cheese is as ubiquitous as it is insidious. Its acclaim with the rank and file means that any time I go to a cookout, tailgate, or other grill-oriented gathering, it will be there, mocking me with its mealy mouthfeel. It’s unavoidable. It’s everywhere. “How many cheeseburgers should I make,” the host will ask. I don’t know, pal -- what kind of cheese do you have?
It’s an embarrassment to this country
When you put a country’s name in front of a common noun, it almost always improves that thing. Here, watch:
- French kissing
- Chinese fire drills
- Swiss cheese
- Mexican Coke
- Polish horseshoes
- Canadian tuxedo
- Italian stallion
These nouns are uncommon as fuck. I want to get all up in these things and bask in their noun-y glory. By contrast:
That is some weak-ass shit, you guys. That is not shit I want to bask in. The United States is the greatest country in the world, and we have a bland, uninspiring cheese out there doing our bidding? Come on.
This is the country that stole hamburgers from the Germans, told those morons to suck it, and called it our own. In terms of burgers, we absolutely and without question run this shit. We owe it to ourselves -- to our children -- to make sure our national culinary heritage is stained, not with shame, but with grease. Grease of a finer cheese. A sharper cheese. A real cheese. Not American cheese.
Still disagree? Then fuck off, and good night.
*This is both gross, and false.
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Dave Infante is a senior writer for Thrillist. Follow @dinfontay on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.