Everyone gets it for cookouts
Now at this point, you’re probably wondering: Gee Dave, if you hate American cheese so much, why don’t you just avoid it? Oh, I do, mon chouchou. You will never see me order a cheeseburger burdened by that foul slab. But American cheese is as ubiquitous as it is insidious. Its acclaim with the rank and file means that any time I go to a cookout, tailgate, or other grill-oriented gathering, it will be there, mocking me with its mealy mouthfeel. It’s unavoidable. It’s everywhere. “How many cheeseburgers should I make,” the host will ask. I don’t know, pal -- what kind of cheese do you have?
It’s an embarrassment to this country
When you put a country’s name in front of a common noun, it almost always improves that thing. Here, watch:
- French kissing
- Chinese fire drills
- Swiss cheese
- Mexican Coke
- Polish horseshoes
- Canadian tuxedo
- Italian stallion
These nouns are uncommon as fuck. I want to get all up in these things and bask in their noun-y glory. By contrast:
That is some weak-ass shit, you guys. That is not shit I want to bask in. The United States is the greatest country in the world, and we have a bland, uninspiring cheese out there doing our bidding? Come on.