Science Determines Bacon Can Help Treat 3 Illnesses
Rest easy tonight, folks, because the scientific community is working tirelessly to find healthy ways for you to eat copious amounts of cheese, drink gallons of beer, and use bacon to treat your maladies -- and they're succeeding. Recent research conducted by Dr. Jennifer Gunter using her medical expertise and a wealth of PubMed articles has discovered three illnesses that can be partially cured with bacon. And we mean "cured" in the health sense.
Dr. Gunter found that bacon has historically been used to stop severe nosebleeds -- which can potentially be extremely hazardous -- by stuffing it up your nostrils (the saltiness of the meat is supposed to constrict blood vessels); it can also be used to expedite the removal of harmful Dermatobia hominis parasites by using it as bait (they like bacon, too!), and as a treatment for scabies, which basically just involves rubbing rendered bacon fat (plus a few additives) on yourself. Which is apparently 88% effective COMPARED TO ACTUAL MEDICINE.
So, yeah, these are kinda weird (and shouldn't be used in lieu of real medicine), but it's nice to know bacon will have your back no matter what. It can also treat hunger and boredom.