1. Ben & Jerry's
It's hard to top a classic, and Ben & Jerry's comes out of the gate with the most traditional cookie vibes of the group. It's chocolatey, but not to a fault. The chips are substantial and the dough is flavorful, but it doesn't taste like an experiment conceived in a state of heightened consciousness (which it obviously is). This tastes like an old-fashioned cookie, and a damn good one at that.
This is a cookie that your grandmother could've baked if you lived in a Rockwell painting where grandmas didn't just smoke slims and drink G&Ts. This is a cookie that your mother could've made if she wasn't too busy working to pay for your liberal arts degree and fund your first two years as a recently graduated “philosopher." This is a cookie that you could actually make yourself if you weren't such a lazy-ass. And all you need to do to get one is waste $5 worth of delicious ice cream!
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Dan Gentile is a staff writer at Thrillist. To make up for the wastefulness in this article he gave a pint of ice cream to a homeless man. Follow him to forgetting to give the poor guy a spoon at @Dannosphere.