Here are three things you might not know about everybody's favorite fauna-themed packed-lunch staple:
1. Barnum's, the Nabisco-owned brand you most likely associate with animal crackers due to the delightful circus-wagon packaging, are technically named Barnum's Animals Crackers. Now that you know this, you are legally required to refer to them as animals crackers. (Even though, let's face it, animals crackers should really be called animals cookies. How are they crackers? There is nothing cracker-esque about them! This is madness! Let's move on)
2. In August of 2018, following a longtime push from PETA, the eponymous animals on the front of the box are no longer depicted in cages. Instead, they're shown roaming free in a slightly off putting row, looking pretty much like they are the new hosts of Netflix's Queer Eye for the Straight Fauna. It's fabulous. It's ethical. And it's a solid reminder that the circus isn't exactly the best place for an animal to live, despite what traditional snack packaging would have you believe.
3. While all animals crackers are noble beasts, some animals are decidedly more noble than others. For instance, compare a stately lion with this goofy-ass llama. This logic (loosely) applies to animals crackers, too.
Since No. 1 is fairly self-explanatory and we have an entire article about No. 2, let's focus on No. 3. Using the Barnum's variety (sorry, Stauffer's and Austin brands), I took it upon myself to rank the many whimsical shapes found in the package by applying highly scientific, totally cutthroat, and entirely objective reasoning. All to celebrate the "release" of the cover stars.
There's a veritable circus in my mouth, and all of you are invited to step right up and witness the greatest show on Earth.