Back to this smoothie I'm making. I have tossed raspberries, almond milk, a chunk of avocado, mint leaves, Himalayan salt, and a tablespoon of Collagen Inner Beauty Boost ($50 -- by the way, the prices on these things can vary wildly; it contains macqui berries, acai berries, blueberries, papaya, grape-seed extract, and a proprietary probiotic culture) into a blender with ice, and am now drinking a thick, fruity smoothie with an excellent mouthfeel. I would have added honey, if I'd designed it myself, but it's really not bad. The avocado is a nice touch. I want to know what Collagen Inner Beauty Boost tastes like alone, so I take a tablespoon of it like cough syrup. It tastes… about like cough syrup.
By the time I get to work on The Day of the Smoothie, I look… exactly the same. That's to be expected I guess, this early in the process, but still, I'm disappointed. I kind of hoped I'd have grown 6in and developed an adorable dimple by now. But no. I soldier on. At lunch, I brew myself a glass of Get Gorgeous tea ($10.50) from Be Well Teas to help the process along. It contains rooibos tea, orange peel, hibiscus, chamomile, and some other stuff, and is flavorful enough to drink without sugar, which I like. And the active ingredients are completely different from those in the Collagen Inner Beauty Boost.
For dinner I scour The Beauty Chef's blog for a fancy-sounding recipe made of actual food and settle on mushroom buckwheat risotto. I use farro instead of buckwheat, because despite offering an entire shelf of weird grains (teff, freekeh, amaranth, corrugated corduroy roughage), the store near my house does not sell buckwheat. The risotto comes out remarkably tasty. The mushrooms are tender and the grains are chewy and I feel pretty great when I'm done eating. More importantly, the farro looks fantastic in the clear grain container next to my rice and flour.
After dinner, I drink the first of my six bottles of Dirty Lemon Skin + Hair. This six-day regimen is a recent release from the company, which made its name on a celebrity-endorsed non-cleanse cleanse that you drink every night before bed, in addition to eating normal food. On top of a lemon juice and cayenne pepper base that sounds a lot like the Master Cleanse, a starvation technique popular in the 1970s, the original version of Dirty Lemon relies on activated charcoal, which is what they give you if you get your stomach pumped at the hospital. This one has no charcoal, but contains hydrolyzed fish collagen peptides, an herb called horsetail, and red clover. Its most immediate effect is to make me feel like I have a small bonfire in my chest area. Heartburn, maybe? But it turns me off to the idea of eating anything sweet after dinner. Good job, Dirty Lemon.
The next day, I start my morning with a shot of shilajit, an offering from Moon Juice ($7). Although the description does not explicitly claim it will make me prettier, it does say it will "increase my core vital, creative, and sexual energy," which sounds hot. Plus it's "a hand-harvested resin made of primordial matter gathered from the Himalayan mountain ranges" and is a pretty red-brown color that makes it look like it will taste like berries.
(Please note: shilajit does not taste like berries. I take a sip and then make a face that immediately gives me frown lines. Shilajit tastes like a campfire of cardboard and gym socks.)