16. Red Delicious
"A Fucking Atrocity"
Most apple varieties are the product of happenstance and inbreeding, but no cultivar has been quite as petulant as the Red Delicious. As the story goes, some idiot discovered a mutant tree in his orchard, chopped it down, did so again the following year when it sprouted again, and, when it grew back yet again, is quoted as having said, "If thee must grow, thee may," and in the process, revealed himself to be the hokiest pushover in all of history as well as the person responsible for the proliferation of the grossest apple of all time. If I could rank this apple even lower, I would. Fuck this apple.
15. Golden Delicious
"Neither Particularly Golden, Nor Delicious"
A clearly ill-informed naming convention!
"Beep Boop Bop Boop"
I have read no less than 18 of essentially the same news article about Ashton Kutcher, great and known Method actor, "going fruitarian" after reading Mucusless Diet Healing System. "The fruitarian diet can lead to, like, some severe issues," he said, recounting his insulin throttling to dangerously low levels while preparing for the role of Apple Computer Man Steve Jobs in the 2013 biopic Jobs. Why am I talking about Jobs? Because while researching these apples -- which disintegrate in your mouth when raw -- I learned that Jef Raskin, the actual guy who conceived of the first Macintosh computer and its name, got snubbed in the movie version of events! But at least their cider flavor makes them prime for baking.
Being the genetic offspring of a Red Delicious and McIntosh, the Empire -- often encountered as the chunks stained by strawberry juice in catered fruit salads -- was doomed from inception. I'm not mad; I'm disappointed.