I'll admit feeling a little bad for vegetarians: Not only do they deprive themselves of delicious animal flesh, they also endure constant needling from carnivores about whether they eat bacon, whether they like real meat, and why they made such terrible life decisions. But you never hear vegetarians asking carnivores whether they've tried fake meat substitutes. "What about vegan bacon, you like that, right?" is a question that more or less never leaves a vegetarian's mouth. Probably because that would involve sharing fake bacon.
In an effort to understand and gain empathy for the vegetarian's plight, I, a staunch anti-veggie adult who eats like a toddler, bought a sampling of the most beloved fake meats, served them up to myself, and ranked them all. I sampled each major "meat" and opted for the most basic options of each type; in other words, there are no complex entrees or burritos here. This is how they stacked up.