Food & Drink

Ranking the best food fight ammo: why a juice box destroys an apple

Published On 09/28/2013 Published On 09/28/2013

Even though pretty much every school lunch is equally disgusting, not all lunchroom weaponry is created equal. In the name of science and because Tim Deitmar once threw a heaping pile of mashed potatoes that knocked off our glasses and ruined our chances of ever going under the bleachers with ANYONE, we decided to determine the top 10 types of food artillery that we would've thrown at him, given the chance. Not everything's as simple as you might think -- all foods have strengths and weaknesses, some of which can push a seeming howitzer down to BB status, or the other way around. Arm yourself wisely.

Flickr/Brandi Jordan

12. French fries
Strength: Instinctiveness.
Zero thought is required to throw a French fry. Somehow everyone just knows it should be done.

Weaknesses: Weight.
The lightness of even the biggest, most oil-soaked fry makes it the worst weapon in the potato product family.

Rubber vs. glue factor.
These are just gonna bounce right off.


11. Gushers
Strengths: Deliciousness.
To truly unleash the beast you've gotta bite these suckers in half before unloading.

If at first you don't succeed, keep throwing these suckers until Timmy's shirt is forever stained with Strawberry Splash.

Weaknesses: Deliciousness!
Once you pull the pin these fruit grenades, it's hard not to let the rest explode in your mouth.

The light weight of the Gusher makes accurate long-range projectile attacks nearly impossible.

Wikipedia/Evan Amos

10. Chicken nuggets
Strengths: Contact crumble.
The lightly fried exterior isn't built for a collision and will result in a crusty shrapnel effect.

Condiment smear.
Where there're nuggets, there's ketchup.

Weakness: Hunger-bustability.
Blow your whole load and you'll be starving in detention.

Flickr/Abhijit Tembhekar

9. An apple, whole
Strengths: Bruise potential.
Aim correctly, and Mrs. Hill will be phoning child services on Tim Deitmar's parents.

Apples come in at last place in the definitive ranking of lunch-room snacks, so throw without guilt.

Weakness: Potential for non-food retaliation.
This is the middle school equivalent to bringing a gun to a knife fight and could easily lead to genuine fisticuffs.


8. Carton of milk (chocolate)
Strength: Splash radius.
In a food fight, a carton of milk not only does a body good, it will do several bodies good.

Weakness: Hard to open.
In the heat of battle, the time it takes to squeeze/fold/pull open the spout could result in a slice of pepperoni to the face.


7. Jolly Ranchers
Strengths: Stick-to-it-iveness.
Unwrap, lick, and unload. The sticky exterior will cause contact with the target to be much more unpleasant.

Form factor.
Just like the way a baseball fits in a glove juuust right, a Jolly Rancher is perfectly at home in the fingers of an angry child.

Weakness: Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle effect.
You could easily put someone's eye out with one of these, and that's not the point of food fights, you maniac.


6. Mashed potatoes, with gravy
Strength: Collateral damage.
Considered a weapon of mass destruction, especially if this food fight is at Catholic school.

Weakness: Hand-dirtying.
Mashed potatoes under your fingernails is gross.


5. Juice box
Strengths: Accuracy.
Accordion-neck straws allow for pin-pointed directional accuracy.

Stain factor.
Say goodbye to that Mighty Morphin Power Rangers shirt, TIM.

Weakness: Low flow.
Should your straw puncture be less than perfect, you will be the one whose Power Rangers shirt is ruined.


4. Go-Gurt, twisted version
Strength: Design factor.
There could be no better weaponized version of yogurt. The designer has a bright future within the confines of the military-industrial complex.

Weakness: Sugar content.
Grosser children are likely to lick this off of themselves.


3. Meatloaf
Strength: Consistency.
The texture of flying meatloaf will pretty much always make you run like a bat out of hell.

Weakness: Scarcity.
Thanks to the above, it's rare that you'd have this on your plate, unless it was a premeditated attack.


2. Pizza
Strengths: Grease factor.
Guaranteed to leave a mark.

Guaranteed to leave a big mark.

Weakness: Desirability.
Especially considering you only get it on Fridays, it's tough to part with. Luckily, no one orders just one slice of pizza.


1. Spaghetti, with marinara
Strength: Face-feel.
Few things feel worse than a fistful of marinara-lubed pasta tendrils slapping against your cheek.

Weakness: Scatter-shot.
The amorphous nature of a spaghetti ball makes targeting difficult, but, depending on your level of discrimination, this can also be a strength. Get your face ready for hell, Tim Deitmar.



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