1. Stouffer’s French Bread Pizza Cheese
“It has a puffiness, and there isn’t too much cheese. The bread is hard and crusty. The sauce tastes good and you can see it under the cheese. I’m actually really excited about this one.” - J., showing very little external enthusiasm
Who knew, friends? Who knew that after all of these years, all of the countless iterations of frozen pizzas, all of the crust changes, and the steps forward in freezing fancy types of basil and vine-ripened tomatoes, that the pizza MADE ON A SPLIT-OPEN PIECE OF FRENCH BREAD would be the winner? But it’s true. French bread pizza is still damn delicious. The crust still gets very crusty along the bottom but the top stays pillowy and hot, especially when you break through the cheese and find a not-insignificant amount of sauce, with a little garlic hint waiting underneath. It isn’t imitating pizza that you get at a pizza shop because it recognizes its own singular value as the perfect lazy person food. Or, as C. says, “you could put it in your pants pocket and no one would know you had pizza.” Fair point, C. Really fair point.
Kevin Alexander is a Thrillist executive editor, and now owes three boys several trips to one of those DIY frozen yogurt places. Follow his rekindled romance with '90s foodstuffs: @KAlexander03.