If you're a regular reader of this publication, you may know that I undertake these types of power rankings regularly. And if not, here's some proof (now with less animated animal cruelty).
But this ranking of Pepperidge Farm's beloved, aquatic-themed crackers proved to be a little… different.
Unlike Taco Bell or Gatorade, I've never steadily indulged in the Snack That Smiles Back, aside from the classic Trump-hued, finger-staining Cheddar variety. So I'm heading into this valley of fish-crackers with absolutely no preconceived biases or expectations -- aside from the fact that I can apparently eat 'em everyday, and sources confirm that my mom said that it's OK.
In the spirit of wild, untapped discovery, I'm delivering this ranking with unfiltered snap-takes on the literal dozens (yes, there are actually 30 flavors on the market, currently) of Goldfish, separated into five relevant categories. It's a reading experience as immediately thrilling as harpoon-gunning marlins, and as inherently relaxing as fly-fishing in a trickling stream while Brad Pitt stands beside you, beaming, wondering just exactly how fly-fishing is a metaphor for life but also realizing it's in there somewhere.
Here are my first reactions to 30 riffs on an old favorite -- and how they stack up to the (rightly) smug grin of the classic Cheddar.