There's a reason we risk being arrested for stealing from children every year: except for these terrible ones, candy is the greatest thing in the world, even when it's fake. And when it's fun-sized, it's basically crack. Here, then, are the 20 best candies you're likely to find in that kid you mugged's pillowcase.
These are the 20 best Halloween candies
20. Flavored Tootsie Rolls
These things appear to only exist during Halloween or in your grandma's candy dish, but dammit they offer the chance to do some great alchemy. Pop a vanilla and an orange in your mouth? Creamsicle. A lemon and a lime? Sprite candy. Eat them all at once? You're a crazy person.
19. Milky Way
Nobody ever requests a Milky Way, and typically they fight it out for bottom-of-the-bag dominance with Three Musketeers and pennies (who the hell does that?!). Like a less gourmet Caramello, Milky Ways are perfectly serviceable, and still provide the sugar blast you need.
18. Laffy Taffy
Some extremely artificial fruit flavoring, a sore jaw, and a couple of jokes that you feel embarrassed chuckling at (and that you suspect Dave Coulier either wrote or stole)? Bring it.
While some people I work with really don't agree, I think these are pretty good, but where are the nuts?
16. Almond Joy
Oh. There we go. But coconut is still kinda gross.
Skittles would be way higher on this list if we could forget that time we put a whole bag in our mouth and cut the sh*t out of our cheeks due to all the sugar shrapnel that exploded everywhere. On the other hand, getting Skittles directly into your bloodstream is kind of amazing.
Nerds are basically little sugar boogers with a slight hint of fruit flavor, but they sadly don't come in flavor combo packs at Halloween. Dump random flavors in your mouth and hope for the best.
If they were embedded in a cookie or something, they might be #1, but on their own, M&Ms are still pretty great. Especially if they're the peanut kind. Or the peanut butter kind. Or the pretzel kind... actually, why don't they make a little bag with all the different flavors inside? That would put it in contention for the top five. Take heed, Mars.
The Swiss Army Knife of candy, Twizzlers are not only delicious in their artificial strawberry glory, they're also useful as straws and as whips for would-be candy thieves. MacGyver didn't invent these. He only wishes he did.
Another in the pantheon of candy-based chemistry, Starbursts come in so many flavors, the permutations among flavor combinations are almost endless. Until you get a little pack with two lemons in it -- a cruel twist of fate that happens all too often. Damn you, candy gods!
The American classic is the best melt-in-your-mouth, no-frills candy in the bag. Toss in some almonds and you've got a beast. Toss in Cookies 'n' Creme and you'll wonder what the hell you're even eating.
The Heath makes you feel like a little British schoolboy with its toffee butteriness, and will make you look like one when your teeth eventually fall out from all the toffee you have lodged in your molars for weeks on end. It's a small price to pay for a brittle little piece of perfection.
8. Reese's Pieces
When it comes down to these or M&M's: same shape, same coating. But one's peanut butter and one's chocolate. Mix them together and contemplate if this is how the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup came together in the first place.
7. Mr. Goodbar
The snack so delicious simply calling it Goodbar seemed like a sign of disrespect, Mr. is the king of the Hershey's variety pack -- a simple, peanutty bit of awesome that puts Krackel to shame, and totally puts the dark Hershey out to pasture.
Finally something healthy. Rice puffs are healthy, right? Especially when they're covered with Nestle's deliciously melty milk chocolate. If you let one sit in your mouth unchewed for long enough, it dissolves into a poor man's Cocoa Krispies.
5. Kit Kat
It's the closest your Halloween bag's gonna come to having a sandwich inside, and let's be honest: milk chocolate and sugary wafers are way better than a tiny tuna on rye. Plus, the 2x2 snack-size Kit Kat acts as an adorable accessory for your Hacksaw Jim Duggan costume.
It's like somebody took a bunch of peanut butter, transformed it into the world's thinnest toffee and layered it underneath a blanket of chocolate. And when you bite it, the little flakes pop off and melt on your tongue like butter produced by a chocolate cow.
It's easily the heartiest of all candy bars: nougat, caramel, nuts, and chocolate represent pretty much every food group. And this is one that's hard to eat in one bite, even when you're going bite-size. It's worth the effort nevertheless.
The cookie crunch. The deliciously hard caramel. The ultra-melty chocolate. There are a lot of things to love about Twix (three, actually), but this thing's even better in fun-size form. The ratios between the three main components are simply perfect, striking a balance that makes a lifetime insulin prescription totally worth it.
1. Reese's Peanut Butter Cups
Not only is it the greatest candy out there, it's also the most versatile… especially at Halloween. Are you devouring the mini, with its jagged chocolate edges? The medium-cup, in all its one-biteable glory? Or the pumpkin, which serves as a vessel to get as much sugary peanut butter in your mouth as possible? It's your lucky day: there's no way to go wrong eating a Reese's.