The Best New Halloween Candy for 2017

New Halloween Candy
Cole Saladino/Thrillist
Cole Saladino/Thrillist

Internet scientists have conjectured that a mere 20,000 calories of sugar can be lethal. Which sucks, because we all know the best part of Halloween as an adult is not dressing up as the Mad Pooper, but rather eating all the candy you bought to hand out to all the precious little kiddies also dressed up as the Mad Pooper but decided to hoard instead. Cruel.

Maximum dosage aside, if you're going to nearly overdose on sugar, you might as well eat brand-spanking-new 2017 candy, right? Luckily for you, we rounded up the best new treats on shelves right now. Just remember: keep your intake under 20,000 calories. We all want you to you live to see Halloween 2018. Who knows what the candy situation will be like then.

Butterfinger skulls
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No, Butterfinger Skulls is not Detroit's newest post-hardcore candy-themed band -- it's a skull-shaped Butterfingers bar. Which actually is still pretty metal. Crumbly. But still metal.

Milky Ways are like the Todd Rundgren of candy. No one really praises them like other contemporaries. They fly way, way under the radar. But when a Rundgren tune comes on (or, when a Milky Way comes into your life), you remember/realize just how great they always were. Add caramel apple to the mix, and things just get better. The same thing might not apply to Todd Rundgren, though it'd be interesting to find out.

If you don't know what Jujus are, they're like those hard, fruit-flavored gummi candies Jujyfruits and Jujubes that they sell at the movies that stick in your teeth for a few months, only molded and colored to resemble traditional candy corn. And whether you hate candy corn or can just grudgingly tolerate candy corn, we can all agree on one thing: these Frankenstein candies will certainly stick to your teeth well past Thanksgiving.

Halloween Peeps
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Speaking of acquired tastes, people either love Peeps enough to put them in the microwave till they swell up to gigantic proportions, or they hate them so much that they like to microwave them till they freakin' explode. If your taste resides in the former camp, you'll probably be down with these apple-flavored Peeps, dipped in caramel sauce. Peeps! They aren't just for Easter anymore!

Have you ever wished M&Ms and Oreos would combine culinary powers to form some type of hybrid snack that would be so delicious that the world would concordantly be unable to do literally anything else except eat it? This is as close as you are going to get. Oh, and they also have a new pumpkin pie flavor.

Look, at this point, we've all figured out that "pumpkin pie" may just be a more societally acceptable way to pumpkin spice-i-fy various food. But either way, combining the nostalgia of your granny's homemade-with-love pumpkin pie with the store-bought-with-love appeal of KitKats is simply delicious. Just get over yourself and enjoy things that are good for once.

Halloween Sour Patch Kids
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First they're sour, then they're sweet. Now they are undead. Whatever. It's festive.

OK, so some of you might think that transposing a Reese's -- arguably the most beloved of any candy ever -- to white chocolate may be snacking blasphemy. And you might be right. Like dark chocolate, white chocolate is certainly an acquired taste. But you simply cannot deny the aesthetic value of what's going on here. You see, ghosts are traditionally white. A+ for effort. And if you don't like it, they also have milk chocolate bats this year, too.

Out of all the horrible Halloween-based puns on the list, this one -- which is basically just a regular 3 Musketeers bar with the nougat turned a seasonal red -- might be the worst. But we can look past that. Especially because 3 Musketeers are one of the healthiest Halloween candy options out there. And they certainly are the only candy named after an Alexander Dumas novel. You don't see any Count of Monte Cristo bars, do you?

Halloween Twizzlers
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So this is kind of confusing, but these are green apple-flavored Twizzlers, stuffed with caramel. Think of them as budget, seasonal cannolis.

If you really want to make people feel disgusting about eating candy, this is likely your best option. Those yellow teeth? The green eyes? White chocolate?! Ew. But alas, as this is BEST new candy, we are here to assure you: these little weirdos do taste pretty good. It's like Mom always said, don't judge a disgusting skull candy by its gross yellow teeth.

There is and always was zero percent chance you'd get through a candy list that ignores Haribo. These ones are shaped like bats. You know what to do.

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Wil Fulton is a staff writer for Thrillist. You should probably check your blood sugar after reading this. Follow him: @wilfulton.