Seeing as you
sprayed cheap champagne on your living room floor rang in the new year just a few days ago, you probably haven't given up your foolhardy resolution to eat better just yet. But the defeat is coming, and when it does, a simple burger and cheese fries won't do. As O-Town once observed, it's all or nothing. Spit in the face of physical well-being by sampling some of these artery-clogging wonders, and tell yourself 2014 is the year you finally get into kale.
A&G Burger Joint
Because McDonald's refuses to put a Big Mac on a McGriddle, A&G starts serving its Angus patties starting at 9a, including the Breakfast Burger (applewood bacon, hash browns, fried egg, hollandaise), and one called the Creature that stacks 4bs of meat with a 1/2lb of fries, a 1/2lb of sweet potato fries, a 1/2lb of other, non-fry toppings, and your money back if you finish it.
Cups 'N Cakes
Because you've earned it after that HipCityVeg lunch, get your fill of meat via a dessert-y snack from Collegeville's Cups 'N Cakes, which's honest-to-God doing a freakin' buffalo wing cupcake, with a hot sauce-'n-bleu cheese foundation topped w/ bleu cheese buttercream frosting, a piece of celery, and a whole got-darned chicken wing.
Nothing says "high-level professional sports" like "hot dogs covered in bacon and cheese", or so claims Sweet Dogs, a counter-service joint in the Gables with framed local team jerseys and 1930s photos of city landmarks. They're piling basically every single thing that can make you look like Vince Wilfork onto sports-themed beef tubes -- oh, and each one comes with a mini-candy bar.
The Frandy Bar
Be the most popular boy at this thing even if you're not carrying a Madison bag stuffed with c-domes, by smuggling in some of this Mount Vernon-based mobile foodery's gratuitously caloried, deep-fried eats including candy (Snickers, Milky Way, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, etc.), and super-healthy baked goods like Twinkies and Double Stuf Oreos.
Ensuring that you're no longer stacked, East London's Malmaison brings you... The Stack: a quarter kilo of 28-day aged beef, stuffed between a glazed bun and topped not only w/ Gruyère and bacon, but also some huge onion rings and an entire foie gras slider.
Blue Star Donuts
The folks behind Yakuza and Little Big Burger continue their quest to make you a Big Big Person with Blue Star, which shells out sweet and savory "donuts for adults" -- meaning they have super-complex flavors, like these maple jobs topped with housemade bacon, or made-to-order fried chicken/honey butter-stuffed monstrosities.
Not to be confused with the most popular activity at Santana-themed swingers conventions, Supernatural Sandwiches are the tucked-away creation of four 'wich aficionados with hyper-local leanings and the humble dream of making “sea-to-sandwich”... sandwiches. Currently showcasing their edible wares on Wednesdays and Sundays at the San Diego Public Market, the crew aims to dominate the world(!), plus other farmers markets around town with these mythical creations.
Cool Dog Cafe
A hot dog to end all hot dogs, CDC's Dessert Dog deep-fries an all-beef Sabrett link, slathers it in creamy peanut butter, and -- after it misses several of Marc Summers' questions -- tops it w/ crumbled chocolate brownie, caramel sauce, whipped cream, and chocolate syrup.
FIRST Food & Bar
FIRST Food & Bar has introduced the biggest late-night (1a-4a) menu maybe ever, including the 21-ounce "Big Dobranski Burger", which at a foot in diameter has six pieces of cheese, six slices of bacon, half an avocado, and can be topped with an additional patty or a few eggs, the two-pound Chicken Parmigiana Lasagna, and of course the "Have you Seen My 12" Weiner", the answer to which after eating it will surely be "no".
Lil Dan's lunch truck's now packing exclusive Amoroso's bread with a boneless chicken breast that's been batter-fried in a dredge of crushed vanilla Oreos (cream filling included), topped with lettuce and tomatoes, then doused in a homemade relish and chili flake hot sauce that also includes buffalo & mayo, or the team that pretty much always wins the Wild Bill Hickok/Dallas Mavericks Invitational.
Once upon a time, a country singer sang one of the most complex, existential questions known to man: “Who says you can’t have it all?”. And while his name is not important, because he is a country singer, his awesome mustache demanded an answer. So after staring for hours into the inky abyss of this philosophical conundrum, Thrillist decided to send an intrepid reporter to the only place on earth where one can have everything they desire: the combination Pizza Hut/KFC/Taco Bell. And there was born the Yum!onster, an unholy amalgamation of stuffed crust pizza, mashed potatoes, gravy, tacos, Chalupas, chicken fingers, mac & cheese, hot sauce, and biscuit.