These are dark times for brunch, my fellow citizens. Just a few months ago, in a fiasco as absurd as it was frightening, this nation's mightiest city nearly lost its God-given right to drink bottomless mimosas while eating brioche-everything and talking about Coachella. Across the country, our fast-food overlords are horning in for a share of the morning hangover crowd, brunch's traditional constituent base. The specter of linner (lunch plus *shudder* dinner) looms ever closer.
American brunch needs American heroes, you guys. And we are them. They are us? Whatever, you get the point.
Or rather, you will get the point -- ALL OF THE POINTS -- once you've digested this totally official, critically important, extremely definitive guide to brunching with the vigor of Captain America himself. Its wisdom will deliver you -- unfettered by wait times, unruly waitstaff, and poorly mixed Bloody Marys -- to Flavor Country, a mythical All-American burgh whose population is composed of only the most dedicated disciples of our beloved weekend ritual. When the dust settles, you'll be a soldier of fortune/frittata, ready to deftly navigate the pitfalls of any early-afternoon egg encounter while keeping brunch's proud flame alight.