The 35 types of people who eat brunch
Taco Bell might've tried to copyright the term Fourth Meal, but it better watch its back, because brunch has way better lawyers. Partly because lawyers love brunch and are far less loco about Locos Tacos.
This mid-day meal has captivated both the hungover and just plain hungry, and, in addition to serving as a solid way to kill a Sunday afternoon, it's also a melting pot of lovable and less-lovable personalities. Here are 35 of the most common, but if you know any others, be sure to alert your server/the comments section.
The Check Boss
Essentially like a hostage negotiator, except for check splitting. Exceptional at math, usually carries a pen. Always carries cash.
The Only Having Coffee, Because He Doesn't Really Party Guy
Has enough caffeine in his system to make an elephant jump rope. Considers himself a good conversationalist. Usually goes home early, reads before he goes to bed.
The Guy Who Is An Acquaintance Of The Waiter And Insists That Everyone Know
It's great to have this guy on the team because you might score some free pastries, but more often than not his "friend" is someone who he's had more Facebook interactions with than nights out.
The Guy With Egg On His Face
Figuratively and literally.
The Person Who Wants To Order For Everyone
Type A. Makes good eye contact with servers. Also adept at flagging down staff members who have nothing to do with refilling coffee and asking them for refills.
The Buffet Destroyer
Gets a twinkle in his eye whenever he sees a large stack of plates, knowing that he will be using more than one. Excellent judge between breakfast filler and flavor. Most likely wears size 36 pants or larger.
The Instagram Junkie
Probably has a go-to brunch filter. The bane of the lonely bruncher.
The Barstool Poacher
A good brunch spot will undoubtedly be mobbed by 1pm, but this wily soul knows the secret to skipping the wait is fighting for a spot at the bar. Has excellent peripheral vision and the stiff-arming abilities of a high-school running back.
The Girl Who Obviously Made A Big Mistake Last Night
Another mimosa please.
The Brunch DJ
He's been hired by the restaurant to provide an inoffensive yet lively soundtrack to your bacon and eggs, but is usually just pushing his own musical agenda that may or may not involve aggressive electronic subgenres or Prince's early work. Has probably had more than one Bloody Mary.
The Quietly Judgmental Non-Drinker
This person has a lot of other stuff to do today -- like exercising -- and you can't do that if you've had two Bloody Marys. Did they mention that they're planning on exercising?
The Party Brunch Mom
Follows her children's friends on Twitter and Instagram. A big fan of mimosas, but will go for a screwdriver if she's feeling rowdy. Generally referred to by her first name by her own children. Really into the brunch DJ. Definitely taking a nap afterwards.
The Person Who Is Definitely Taking A Nap After This
Orders extra gravy with biscuits and gravy. Close relative to Buffet Destroyer. Might have had brunch two days in a row.
The Lonely Bruncher
Willing to spend $15 to eavesdrop on others' conversations. Occasionally wears sunglasses inside. Forgot to bring a book.
The Dude Eating Fried Eggs With Sriracha At Home
Has no issue with sleeping alone. Might chase the eggs with an illegal substance and some reggae music. Definitely taking a nap afterwards.
The Brunch Fat Kid
This man's insatiable appetite led to ordering two sides, a huge entree, and a pair of apps for the "table", meaning the area right in front of his seat.
The Fun-Loving Mimosa Girl
Enjoys fancy bath soaps, romantic comedies, going on early morning hikes. Can sometimes have one too many in a charming way. Likely engaged to a man making six figures.
The Bad News Mimosa Girl
Enjoys fancy tattoos, low-budget horror films, and sleeping extraordinarily late. Will often have one too many in a loud/rude way. Likely way into Tinder. Fond of the phrase "hot mess".
The Five Types Of Drinks Girl
Should be wearing a T-shirt that reads "Coffee & Bloody Mary & Mimosa & Iced Tea & Water". This is the girl that causes servers to wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat.
The Person Who Brought Their Kid To Brunch
Sure, it's probably impossible to find a nanny for Sunday morning, but do you really want the hungover servers hurdling over your child while carrying plates of food?
Girl In Last Night's Clothes
That little black dress doesn't belong anywhere near scrambled eggs. Bonus points if last night's clothes are combined with boyfriend's clothes. Double bonus points if it's high heels and basketball shorts.
The Guy Who Is Only Having Coffee Because He Partied SO Hard
The sight of alcohol could easily trigger a flashback of nausea. Will compare his hangover to previous hangovers from the same month. Most of his conversation revolves around the previous night. Often wears sunglasses inside.
The Guy Who Shows Up Late And Keeps Everyone From Ordering
Either extremely disheveled or freshly showered. Depending on his level of likeability (extremely high or low, correlating inversely to cleanliness), his presence is either showered with happy hellos or shrugged greetings. Likely to help himself to the pitcher of mimosas/half-finished apps without contributing to the bill.
The At-Home Brunch Host
Slaved all morning so that their friends can show up with a jug of gas station orange juice.
The Couple Who Obviously Just Hooked Up For The First Time
The air is thick with awkward etiquette and overly long looks, and there's a lot of laughing at jokes that aren't funny.
The Person Who Is Really Excited About Bacon
When confronted with a breakfast menu, this hero is ready to order immediately. If bacon isn't included with the meal, you better believe they're asking for at least one side order. Surprisingly not always a dude.
Not thrilled to field questions about whether he eats eggs or not. Has a personal ranking of his city's vegetarian omelets. Might sneak some bacon crumbs when no one is looking.
Stares for a long time at the little packages of jam trying to decipher if there's gelatin involved. Extremely skinny.
The Guy Who Shows Up On Time And Is Pissed That Everyone Is Late
He's been nursing that mimosa for 20 damn minutes and everyone else on Instagram is already on the pastry course.
The Girl Who Insists That Everyone Eat Family Style
Has a well-curated Pinterest. She's ensured that you get to try a little bit of everything.
The One Person At The Table Who Opts Out Of Family-Style Dining
Knows what he wants and how to get it, but not really how to play well with others. Table manners of the subpar variety. Likely ordered steak and eggs. And tried a little of everything else.
The Person Who Barely Orders Any Food
This person has ordered six leaves of arugula, a pinch of egg crumbles, and a side of sympathy from the rest of the table.
The Girl Glued To Her Phone
She's very busy admiring other people's brunches on Instagram.
The Guy Glued To His Phone
Only acceptable if he is sharing results to an important sporting event. Extra unacceptable if the event is golf.
He already ate breakfast, but he's still down to hang!
Dan Gentile is a staff writer on Thrillist's national food and drink team. He's always a five-drink guy, occasionally a brunch DJ, and once was the bruncher who showed up on time. Follow him to more meta brunches at @Dannosphere.