OK, fine. Can I feed my dog chocolate?
We already told you this stuff's a no-go, but here's the reason why: the caffeine and theobromine found in chocolate -- particularly darker varieties -- can wreak havoc on your hound's central nervous system, causing vomiting, restlessness, and diarrhea.
Final note: the degree to which your dog is affected by these foods will vary by its size, breed, and amount they consume. Don't let that stop you from commenting about how your shih tzu's eaten raw onions every day for 12 years and has never looked healthier, though.
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Gianni Jaccoma is an editor for Thrillist, and he regularly eats enough chocolate to kill a Great Dane/several lesser Danes. Follow his theobrominized tweets @gjaccoma.