First it's candy, then it's gum, then it's a big ol' dental bill for your parents, who lacked the backbone to stand up to your incessant demands for treats that serve dual purpose. But you made good for that brattiness by getting into an Ivy League school, double majoring, and making the Dean's List. Then you went ahead and proved your parents right by choosing not one, but two liberal arts degrees. You can no longer afford your own dental care.
Did anyone actually like this? If so, please explain yourself in the comments.
Dan Gentile is a staff writer on Thrillist's National Food and Drink team. His childhood gum of choice was Bubble Tape. Follow him to "Can he still eat all of that at once holy crap he can" at @Dannosphere.